I Like to Buy Things

Have you ever seen the movie Josie and the Pussycats? It came out in the ‘90s (I think) and starred that one actress whose face and hair always makes me feel uncomfortable, but the underlying message of it has really stuck with me. Basically there are these bad guys (one of them being Parker Posey) who create this machine that pumps out subliminal messages making teenagers all want to buy the same shit. Like they’ll be in the mall, drinking a Big Gulp, and all of a sudden be like, “oh crap, I want orange shoes, like asap,” and then they’ll all go buy orange shoes. I think that this movie is on to something, and that this machine really exists. Either that or I’m just a non-stop greedy asshole because I literally want everything I see at all times.

I just started a new job and my desk chair is super uncomfortable. Well, it’s not so much that it’s uncomfortable, but the chair is wider than the chair sized hole provided by the desk. Do you know what I mean? Like, the chair doesn’t fit IN the desk. This creates a number of problems for me because I like to sit Indian style in a chair, which this situation doesn’t allow me to do because then I’d be 50 yards away from my computer screen, and it also makes it so that my back never touches the back of the chair. I’m always sitting at the edge of it, leaned way over. I might as well be sitting on a milk crate. Like, I might as well not even HAVE a chair. I’ve been noticing that some of my co-workers (two of them) sit on these humongous exercise balls instead of a chair. I’ve seen this in magazines before and I think it’s like a “thing.” Like it helps your brain to stay alert or something because you’re bouncing around all day like an idiot. I don’t know. The point is that after a few days of walking past these brightly colored sitting balls, I was like, “I have to have one of these.” Since concluding that it was pretty much effed that I didn’t have one, I’ve found ways to bring up the sitting balls in almost any conversation. I’ve complimented my co-workers on their sitting balls, inquired as to where they were purchased, made the declaration that I wanted one for myself, and am at the stage where I’m basically like, “I sure do wish SOMEONE would give me a ride to Target so I could buy one of those balls.” I estimate that I will possess one within the next week or so, will be pleased with it intensely for a few days, and then will be wanting something else. Some nameless, faceless, perfect “something” that is, at this point, unknown to me.

When I was in college I went on Paxil because one day I woke up and was unable to walk outside to get the mail. Like all of a sudden, leaving the house was no longer an option for me. It’s still a big problem and I will sometimes start crying because I have to leave the house to have dinner with someone, or because I have to go to a concert that I had just spent the days leading up to it proclaiming that I was so psyched out of my gourd to be going to. I’m pretty much like that guy in Twin Peaks who grew orchids in his house and had food delivered to him by Meals on Wheels. What was his name? Leonard? That’s me. I stopped taking Paxil because it made me suuuuuuuuper fat, and it made me develop a huge impulse control problem, that eventually led to me maxing out all of my credit cards. At it’s most hilarious point, I was ordering video cameras from the Internet and then throwing them in the dumpster once they arrived. I already had a video camera, so I don’t know why I was so partial to this particular electronic device to go nuts with, but I can remember how good it felt to BUY them. I just wanted to BUY something. And then once they came, I felt so ashamed and scared that I was gonna be “discovered” as being a weirdo, that I’d just throw them away.

God. This is getting really depressing. Anyway, I guess what got me started thinking about this again is that now when I find myself really wanting to buy something, I’ll put it in this Word document I have saved on my laptop called “shit I want to buy” and if I still want it in two or three weeks, then I buy it. In my planner for tomorrow I have written “buy gummi worms before work,” but I think that’s okay to buy right away, because they’re what, only like $1.50 TC mark

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  • Erin pea

    paxil sucks. i also make lists of things i want to buy. buying stuff is great.

  • http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/ HBGWHEM

    there is this little thing that's like an amazon toolbar and anything on the internet that you want to buy you just click on it, then the toolbar is like, “oh i'll remind you that you need this thing later just in case you forget and try to save your money.” it's the best/worst invention of the technological age.

  • catatonic

    Ditto on Paxil. Only I didn't buy, I stole. Until I got arrested. Fail.

  • sobriquet

    Other things about you:
    1) You pick out your outfit and lay it folded neatly on your bed before your shower.
    2) You hate the sight of electrical cords in your apartment.
    3) You wouldn't think twice about confronting a housemate who has used your glass.
    4) You've never dropped your cell phone.
    5) You write to-do lists on index cards.

    • Guest

      6) You often write emails and texts to people who have asked for zero contact.
      7) You think you are good at online stalking, but this is false.
      8) You are still obsessed with your weight and having been obese; your insecurities manifest in the dozens of articles you've written about food, including how you don't know how to shop for it, how you are always eating fried chicken or pizza under a blanket, and how you like to overindulge. You are secretly proud that you can eat like a K-Mart shopper in Toledo and maintain an average-looking body. You are also attached to cliched ideas of lowbrow cool, one being disgusting food.

      • Kelly McClure

        Ex-girlfriends rule!

      • Guest

        So does living in exile, being chased out of major cities, being fired from everything, and failing at life in New York. Enjoy the PNW.

      • Kelly McClure

        If by “failing at life in New York” you mean becoming the music editor for a major magazine, doing one of the highest selling cover stories that magazine has ever had, and clearly doing enough damage to drive YOU personally insane, then yes, I guess the joke's on me.

      • Guest

        Maybe you “left” Bust because you fucked your boss’ ex-gf and she fired you, maybe not! That was the story at Vice, right? Please, please, please keep it accurate: you were not The Music Editor, Kellz.

        Good job on the cover story! I hope that your interviewee’s popularity didn’t trick you into believing that you’re a good writer. To be honest, your articles are repetitive, derivative and full of an embarrassing amount of errors.

        You may think that you did enough “damage” (what?) to “drive me insane” (what?) but this is a projection. To me, you’re nothing but an annoyance and a funny story I tell my friends. I laugh when I think that I let you come anywhere near my vag. And when I want to see someone go insane, I just read your blog, which is not bad for someone dealing with periodic nervous breakdowns.

  • http://twitter.com/Alcords A C

    I kept falling asleep on paxil…I was 2 hours late to work one day because I fell asleep on the bus (the bus was like a greyhound bus) and the driver didn't see me at the last stop…

    • http://www.adrianmcmillan.com/blog Adrian McMillan

      The blame goes to the bus driver.

  • ls

    whoa, I also developed an online shopping problem while on anti-depressants but I have never until now thought it was the pills' fault, I thought it was the depression's fault. I like this theory a lot.

    Also I feel the same way about Josie & The Pussycats.

    Therefore, here is my solution: become someone else's personal shopper. Clearly they're rich enough that you can indulge all of your whims through their bank account, and as long as you can talk them into wanting it, you're saved! (So multiple video cameras would probably be harder.)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_KYJM2JOU7R66TFFHHY2JO6GKCE heather lambert

    the all-consuming need to buy crap is oh so familiar… and when i try starting lists of said crap every couple of weeks, it often turns into this cyclical, forget about them-> find them 6 months later-> want the crap again, thing. trying pintrest.com now, which will probably do more harm than good.

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