I Am Becoming An Illegal Pervert

Have you ever heard that thing about how a guy reaches his sexual peak in his late teens, and a lady reaches hers in her mid-30s? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s true because I am a 33 year-old lady and am quickly becoming an illegal pervert. Not like I’m doing illegal things, such as licking neighbor’s mailboxes or dry humping spare tires in the Sears auto department, but I’m getting there. I recently broke up with someone and minus a few hot kissy times, I have been a party of one in my pants. At first I was coming at my newly single status all like “whoo hoo, freedom!” and now I creepily stare at the eyes and lips of any attractive person who talks to me for more than five minutes in hopes that they accidentally put their tongue in my mouth.

I can remember a time when it was so easy to transition from sitting in a house/apartment/car/parking lot/ bush with someone, probs drinking some Boones Farm and talking about feminism or something to rubbing on each other’s privates. And now it’s like I hang out with a person for 10 hours and am sitting there dumbfounded when, after the 8th Netflixed episode of Gossip Girl, we’re still not naked and “doing the grownup.” I have always been of the opinion that sex and hot makeouts just happen naturally, but an ongoing argument with a good friend via text message has given me pause on the matter. Where I have always assumed that an unknown, perfectly mixed and beautifully mysterious combo of elements caused love to be made (ugh, I hate myself right now), my friend suggests that “moves” have to happen. But who’s in charge of making them because I sure as shit aint gonna start talking about how you look in the moonlight. I guess the moral of the story is that if you want to touch some boobies, you’ve gotta do some sort of emotional/verbal PowerPoint Presentation. But I’m not gonna do that because it’s less special if I have to make the first move. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

With very little transitioning, I’m gonna start talking about something completely different now.

There is a singer who lives in Canada who I’ve been having near constant sex dreams about. I should probably email her out of the clear blue and tell her about them, even though we’ve never really talked, but have only had some minor interactions at her shows. This is a good idea right? Is this a good “move?” If I could be completely honest all of the time, and not have to craft non-stop trickeries and monologues in order to get by in life, a sample sentence of something I’d say to someone who’s lips I wanted to touch with my lips would be: “you make me want to barf a lot less than everyone else does.” I’m just gonna start saying this when I think it and hope for the best. TC mark

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  • http://esquared.tumblr.com/ esquared

    “At first I was coming at my newly single status all like “whoo hoo, freedom!”
    double entendre?

    also, what would be a legal pervert?

  • Pillowfort

    Maybe don't email her, maybe put it on sex dream diary aka we have to go deeper dot com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    is it feist

    • Kelly McClure


  • SJ Graham

    you've found the best come on line EVER. er, pun not intended

  • http://www.howtomingle.com parker lee

    dry humping is fun (:


  • floor action

    Do you know how much I love this photo?

  • http://exitclov.tumblr.com exitclov

    You make me not fear my 30s so much. And I totally agree with you on the let-it-happen-naturally stance, but moves can help seal the deal. For example: mood lighting, smooth funk playing on the stereo, etc.

    • Kelly McClure

      I laughed out loud at “smooth funk.” ha! I'm gonna go get some smooth funk albums and a dimmer switch.

      • Roger

        Dimmer switches everywhere!

  • Haysomk

    Kelly we must see each other. Not bc I want to sex you up but bc I have the same situation. Giga Kelly McClure!

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    I loved this. You should write a Dennis Cooper-esque obsessive scary story about this Canadian singer. And for lesbians is their a social norm for who makes the first move? Generally for guy/girl, the girl will give an 'ok, it's time to make your move' body language, and the guy will make his move.

    • Kelly McClure

      Lesbians will usually just sit and stare at each other, and then when nothing happens after a few hours, they'll text someone and be like, “this sucks, get on gchat in an hour and I'll tell you all about it.”

  • vanessa VR

    are you in love with pregnant canadian Alanis morissette? well i heard that she likes to go down (on people ) in theaters.

    • Kelly McClure

      Only Joey from Full House get's the “you outta know” movie theater special.

  • Vgoldberg

    My guess is Brandi Carlile. and do it! my ex was in the love with her and i have to agree she's kinda hot. and gay!

  • thehiddenkid


  • jmbg

    Were you drunk when you wrote this?

    • Kelly McClure

      Were you drunk when you wrote THIS?

  • http://kilakilakila.blogspot.com brittany wallace

    is it tegan or is it sara

    i know one of them lives in vancouver
    right right

  • http://twitter.com/camille_salome Camille Salome

    this was hilarious

  • KDM

    Yeah, but then you'll give Katie Stelmanis your STD.

    • Kelly McClure


  • Nice

    eyebrows. We'd like for you to keep that photo up.

  • my only questions...

    Wait, licking neighbor’s mailboxes or dry humping spare tires in the Sears auto department are illegal acts?? Uhoh.

  • Generifus

    julie doiron!

  • Glacier1981

    My friends are all telling me the same thing re the need for me to give some “emotional/verbal PowerPoint Presentation” to girls I like, but with two girls, it's not always clear who should go first.  By the way, write more articles — they're always irreverently right.

  • Anonymous

    Emily Haines?

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