How to Be My Girlfriend

I’ve met girlfriends on the Internet before, but I don’t want to meet you there. I want you to just appear. Maybe we work together at the bookstore, or the sugar shack, or whatever shitty part-time job we share at the time because our “real jobs” pay us in gum wrappers and pantyhose. We’ll spend our shifts bitching about how we don’t belong there, and one night I’ll kiss you on the subway platform. You’ll be talking about how crabby you feel, and I’ll be staring at your lips, and then my stomach will jump with fear and I’ll lean in and go for it. Your breath will smell slightly minty, and slightly gross. I’ll like it, because I like you.

I’d prefer it if you’re not TOO close to your family. I’m not saying that I’m nuts and want to lock you under the bed and hide you from the world or anything, but I want to be your family. We’ll visit your parents and whoever else for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, but we’ll have our own Christmas on Christmas day at home. If you’re not okay with this, then you’re not really in love with me. I’ll think this and believe it. I may not say it out loud, but either make cinnamon rolls and watch Charlie Brown with me, or it’s over.

I want you to eat. I want to hear sentences like “man, let’s go for a burrito,” come out of your mouth with frequency. I want you to be built like a motorcycle, with a full butt and semi-big boobs. I want you to look like a woman. I want you to have dark hair, but if you don’t then brown or red will do. Please don’t be blonde.

I want you to watch movies like Lost and Delirious, Twilightz, and The Notebook and, without my prompting, say something like, “if you were to become a vampire, I’d want to be one too, so we could be together forever.” I want to know, and even hear you say, that you would punch a bear in the face for me. I want you to be irrational and impulsive and passionate. I want you to be brave. Maybe we’ll get carried away one night while watching Buffy and briefly consider learning witchcraft. We’ll scare ourselves talking about it and laugh about how crazy bananas we are. Then we’ll have hot sex.

Speaking of sex. I want you to like it. I want you to be sort of a perv and not be afraid to do, well, basically whatever I ask you to do. I want you to be strong. I’m strong, and I like to feel a little bit stronger than you, but every so often, take the palm of your hand and push my face to the side and press it down into the pillow – if for no other reason than to show that you can. I will fall in love with you all over again. Aside from all of this, I would like for you to hold my hand in the movies. If we’re watching a movie in the dark, reach over and hold my hand, and don’t let go.

I want you to know that if I call you a nasty bitch from hell who I wish I’d never met, it’s because you hurt me. I know it sounds “bad” but just let me yell and then make a joke of it and say something like, “you all done?” And I’ll be like, “yeah.” TC mark

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  • http://lazyroar.blogspot.com/ Lazy Roar Records

    “Your breath with smell slightly minty, and slightly gross. I’ll like it, because I like you.”

    This is the best.

  • Luvmyhubbymike05

    I loved this:)

  • http://twitter.com/srslydrew Drew Farr

    Aw man, this is real cute. The witchcraft-to-sex segue sounds pretty epic.

  • nutella

    brilliant

  • http://madisonl.tumblr.com/ Madison Langston

    regretting having blonde hair/loved this.

  • Ryan O'Connell

    UGH YOURE SO SMART AND SO GOOD

  • http://twitter.com/brownnnbear Jocelyn

    wishing i had big boobs now.

  • http://www.howtomingle.com parker lee

    wish i was a girl, with semi-humungo-boobs. right now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    Too bad its impossible to find someone. Or it never lasts. This seems very similar to how I feel, so therefore i enjoyed it.

  • cwalls35

    I love that this could possibly describe me. Wish I could meet someone who wanted exactly what this says.

  • Rachel

    Womp. Did not like this. Feeling like this is enlightened objectification. Also feeling like the narrator has pretty strict standards, even if they seem alternative/cute/hipster-y. Wish I could like this. “Please don't be blonde.”

    • Walt

      So, you're blonde then?

  • Allie

    Lmao, after the first paragraph it sounds like you're describing me. That's exactly how I with my boyfriend.

  • Roni

    I love this so so much : )

  • Mer

    you are going to be alone forever, asshole.

    • Kelly McClure

      Thanks!

    • funeral

      Um, yeah. She is still butt hurt that her mom raped her a bunch of times.

  • Psichedeliche

    i love this so much
    although it made me a little sad that i'm skinny and my hair is light :(

  • Fsfrgdgfdgfg

    lol you're kind of an asshole huh?

  • Elliott Raine

    :3

    I wish we could hang out. We could be soulmates or some bullshit.

  • Madison

    I think you and I were made for each other.
    Except for the fact that I'm blonde.
    Dammit! ; )

    Mhake@iastate.edu

  • http://www.leafprobably.wordpress.com Leaf Probably

    This is awesome :)

  • http://www.rousingvenus.tk ♥cherry.

    “You’ll be talking about how crabby you feel, and I’ll be staring at your lips, and then my stomach will jump with fear and I’ll lean in and go for it.” — magickally awakened my latent romantic! thanks for believing and reminding me that i do too!

  • Sarabell

    Me! Now you just need to get a shitty part time job at the part time place where I work and we're set.
    I like that you threw Buffy in there :)

  • http://capuletsliveforever.tumblr.com Lauren

    I love this. Oh if only I could find you properly.

  • Bb

    “I want you to be built like a motorcycle, with a full butt and semi-big boobs. I want you to look like a woman.”

    the fuck? who the hell are you to determine what defines a woman? if you haven't noticed, women come in all different shapes and sizes, you pretentious asshole.

    • Grace

      People are also allowed to have personal preferences.

  • Jonina92

    I really enjoyed this article. It could've past as something impractical, or out-of-touch with the society, but it was written in a very cute and enlightened way. A girl can dream right? :D

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    I am reading back posts by Kelly and this one made me want to date another girl, really bad. Oh my god. My boobs aren't big enough for her.

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