This Is How I’ll Say Goodbye

woman surrounded by sunflowers
Daniel Bernard / Unsplash

This is me saying goodbye; vehemently hoping you will hear my cries. This is me telling you that I envision my future without you; that I never meant to lead you on, that I wish you could see that we were never meant to be. This is me wondering if I will break you, watching helplessly as your tears seep into the cracks of your heart or if you will smile as you always have, painfully oblivious to the truth: I never loved you.

This is me resolving to no longer enable you. This is me refusing to pick up the phone as it rings with a hollow air of desperation; a freneticism that impeccably mirrors yours. This is me ignoring every trace of you; vowing to no longer allow you to cling to me; pervasively, heavily dragging me down with you into your bottomless pit of hopelessness. This is me wearing self-respect like a crown; gliding by you with an air of grace as you watch me retreat, never to return.

This is me being honest with you. This is me brazenly revealing that our love was nonexistent; merely a figment of your imagination that slipped away, morphing into a kaleidoscope of vivid dreams of our golden future. This is me wishing that you had recognized my absent heart; my inability to shower you with poetic words, my reluctance to return your flirtatious advances, my insistence that we remain friends. This is me fearing that you will never fully read between the lines that part us; that we will continue the cycle of misplaced affection until I bluntly break your heart.

This is me moving on without you. This is me seeking new love, new hopes, new dreams, in which you are nothing but a memory. This is me refusing to let your desperation, your fragmented past, your deluded mind, your hopeful heart steer you back to me. This is me releasing myself from your grasp; savoring my freedom as I relish in a lifetime of joy devoid of your suffocating presence.

This is me telling you that you will never be him. This is me letting love’s eternal roulette change like the autumn leaves; pushing you out of my heart as I let myself fall for him. This is me wondering if you will ever discover all you lack: his tender soul, his thoughtful heart, his undeniable charm, his deep respect for humankind. This is me hoping you’ll accept that my heart is his and his is mine; that I no longer carry space for you in its vast chambers.

This is me saying goodbye; hoping that you soon discover why my heart no longer beats for you, dreaming of the day you will realize that you are not destined to hold a piece of my heart. This is me accepting that you could shatter with no one to restore you, but wishing that you will come to accept our vacuous, star-crossed future. This is me ridding my heart of your toxic, unreciprocated love; searching for a richer, fuller, deeper connection. This is me saying goodbye, because no matter how desperately you long to weave your way into my heart, you will never be him. TC mark

Kelly Douglas

Lives for red lipstick, high heels, 80's pop, cats, and Oxford commas.

Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again

Nothing scares me more than someone loving me one day and deciding they don’t want me the next. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again.

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