DID YOU KNOW? Everything that has ever annoyed you is part of a grand conspiracy to ruin your life, or at least your day. That’s right! Nothing is an accident and everyone is trying to make you – specifically you – mad, so you should be mad. Wow! Please familiarize yourself with the following situations, so that when they happen, you can take it all personally and become angry and splatter that all over everyone around you. Yes! Here is a list of things that people are doing on purpose, to ruin your day:
1. Eating a salad when you are near, loudly.
2. Eating a thing that you don’t like when you are near, either loudly or quietly.
3. Receiving a phone call.
4. Fumbling with their wallet at the counter in the coffee shop.
5. Dropping things, and having to pick those things up, and getting in your way, so you cannot move at the speed at which you feel you need to move.
6. Occupying the bathroom when you would like to be the one occupying the bathroom.
7. Struggling to get one of their boots off at airport security.
8. Being at the airport when you are also at the airport.
9. Experiencing transmission failures in the middle of a busy intersection.
10. Going to the grocery store at the same time as you and several others.
11. Being the parent of a small child who has just chosen to start a temper tantrum, without warning, in the middle of said grocery store.
12. Just being a person with a small child, in general.
13. Not knowing something that you know.
14. Mishearing you and asking you to repeat yourself, please.
15. Going through an area of bad service and dropping your call.
16. Fainting from dehydration on a crowded train in the summer and causing delays.
17. Sitting next to you on the plane.
18. Expressing an opinion that is different from your own.
19. Failing to match your enthusiasm on a subject on which you agree.
20. Eating at the same restaurant that you wanted to eat at, and occupying the table you wanted, and there are no other tables available.
21. Breathing through their mouths when they are congested and cannot breathe through their noses.
22. Having difficulty navigating a new location.
23. Being in a car when a lot of other people are in cars in the same place as you, and being in front of you, and doing the best they can to navigate around the number of other cars that are on the road, but they are still in your way and making a choice behind the wheel that you don’t want them to make, even if you might have made that same exact choice if you were in their shoes.
24. Walking by you on the sidewalk and failing to notice you and not saying hello.
25. Being shy.
26. Spilling something.
27. Working in retail and selling you a product that you believe is too expensive.
28. Closing off part of the sidewalk for construction projects.
29. Laughing at a joke when you are sad.
30. Kissing a partner in public when you are single.
31. Struggling to open a bag of chips.
32. Struggling to lift something heavy.
33. Stumbling over their words.
34. Buying the last thing of a thing you wanted.
35. Practicing an instrument when you are within earshot.
36. Brushing past you on the sidewalk.
37. Failing to anticipate your movements.
38. Failing to anticipate your needs.
39. Existing in the same space as you.
40. Existing, overall.