I do not know where this “Elf on the Shelf” came from, truly. Or when. Merely that at some point, between the retreat of my childhood and present, the Elf on the Shelf became synonymous with Christmas. It did so gradually, and without our notice, did it not? But it is not familiar to me. Worse, I do not remember its arrival. We pretend, collectively, that Elf on the Shelf has always been there, always been a part of our Christmas, and that it has always been watching.
Has it always been watching?
At times I feel like the only one who regards this discreet arrival of a silent watcher with the least bit of suspicion. As if being watched from afar by the messenger of the authorities is something to which we should become accustomed, simply because it came on so gradually. We are the frog in the boiling pot, America. We have allowed the Elf on a Shelf to watch us. We have allowed ourselves to believe that the Elf on a Shelf has always been watching us, and that the watching is good, and that the watching has reasons.
And that Santa needs to know what we are doing at all times.
But it is not too late. No, there is still time. We can fight back against the Elf on the Shelf. We can fight back against the watchful eye, the intrusive ear, of those who would see our every move, those who would listen.
Here are 20 creative ideas for what to do with your Elf on the Shelf, to cease its tattle’s vigil.
1. Throw your elf into the ocean, to be devoured by sharks.
2. Throw your elf into the sea, to be brined in the salts until it shrivels into a hard, dense nothing.
3. Throw your elf into a lake, to be lost on some forgotten bank, amidst the decaying bodies of the fishes.
4. Throw your elf into the swamp, to be swallowed up in the mire, to be sucked into the earth.
5. Throw your elf into a wild river, to be smacked about by so much water.
6. Throw your elf into a chasm, to be shattered on the rocks.
7. Throw your elf into a pit, to be silenced by darkness, to vanish.
8. Throw your elf into a canyon, to die an unnatural thing in the majesty of nature.
9. Throw your elf from the top of a tall building, to break upon the street below, before the eyes of an uncaring, callous crowd.
10. Throw your elf into a wall, again and again, until the elf becomes dust.
11. Throw your elf into a sewer, where it belongs.
12. Throw your elf into the works of a great machine, in a great dirty machine shop, to grapple with the horrors of consumerism as it grinds forward.
13. Throw your elf into a fire, to be consumed in lifegiving heat.
14. Throw your elf into a vat of acid, to be destroyed in the essence of destruction itself.
15. Throw your elf into the mouth of an angry hound, to sate the hunger of a thing that is only hunger.
16. Throw your elf outside the protective chalk circle after you have summoned a strange demon.
17. Throw your elf into a mysterious portal, into another world, one filled with unknown dangers.
18. Throw your elf into the unknown, with no preparation, with nary a shirt on its back.
19. Throw your elf into the wilderness, with none of the tools it needs to survive.
20. Throw your elf into the arms of its enemies, that they may carry it off, and do with it what they will.