1. Try to think back and remember the last place you had yourself. Do you remember where you were? Do you remember who you were with? Do you remember what you were talking about?
2. No? Okay, retrace your footsteps for that entire day.
3. Do you at least remember what you were thinking about that day? What was on your mind?
4. You had yourself when we went to the store yesterday. I was with you. Remember, by the tomatoes? I discussed the utilities of Roma tomatoes with yourself. Roma versus beefsteak versus vine-ripened. Grape tomatoes versus cherry tomatoes. Did you leave it at the store? By the tomatoes? Call customer service.
5. Call the restaurant we went to after.
6. Search your room.
7. I know you don’t remember if you had yourself in the room. Search there anyway. You might remember something relevant. Check the space between the bedpost and the wall.
8. Do you want me to help you look? I can search the kitchen while you search your room.
9. Yourself is not in a weird place like the dishwasher or the linen cabinet, it is? I just checked both, but try to think up some similar weird places. Remember that time you lost yourself in your teens, and found yourself under the passenger seat of Brian’s Accord? And we couldn’t remember the last time we’d seen Brian? Have you seen Brian in the last year?
10. Call Brian.
11. Do you think you dropped yourself outside?
12. Have you searched beneath that stone, over there?
14. Search for yourself beneath that stone over there.
15. I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but I think you should consider keeping a spare self at the office, or even at my place.
16. We’ve been telling you to have a designated space for yourself for years.
17. Do you remember the prayer of Saint Anthony? St. Anthony, St. Anthony Please come down, Something is lost and can’t be found… I think that’s how it goes? I forget if you’re Jewish? I think it still works if you’re Jewish?
18. Well, you know what your mother always says. It’s in the last place you look. I know it’s a truism. It’s a joke. I’m trying to lighten the mood.
19. Stop yelling at me. I’m only here to help. Stop getting angry. I know you’re just frustrated. I’ll leave you alone, if you want.
20. Oh, you found yourself! See? I told you it would be somewhere weird like that.
There now, that wasn’t so bad. There was no reason to get angry. Consider being more organized next time. Then you wouldn’t have lost yourself in the first place.