It’s been 47 minutes since I ended my relationship with a married man.
It’s been 1 year and 8 months since I’ve been involved with him.
So why today? Why was today the day that I finally decided it needed to end?
You read all the cliches that, “he won’t leave you for his wife,” “they’ll stay for the kids,” “he doesn’t love you more than his wife, and never will,” and you think to yourself that THIS situation is different. YOUR relationship is bigger and more important than those stupid cliches….those women were stupid….I’m not.
Then all of a sudden it’s 1 year and 8 months later and YOU’RE the cliche. Nothing has changed. The fights have become more bitter, deeper, more hurtful. You keep going because you hold on to that ONE thought that this is different. He will leave her, he HAS to, because you’re special. It didn’t hit me until 47 minutes ago when I realized that him leaving his wife had nothing to do with me. Him realizing that I’m special “enough,” wasn’t about me. None of this was about me. It was about him, and it always has been.
I have laid in my bed and moped around my house for 6 days. I didn’t enjoy one second of my Christmas break away from my job. I drank a lot, I thought very bad things about myself, I had very vivid nightmares about dying, I stared at my phone for hours on end, I cried, I sat on the floor staring into space, and then I decided I can either keep waiting, keep crying, keep feeling like the victim in my dreams, or I can step out of this situation and do something to change it.
I can’t be the judge of anyone else’s situation. Maybe it works out for other people, but at some point, whether it works out or not, you WILL feel one of these things above, and is it worth it? Is it worth it to feel so bad about yourself that you tick 6 days (well, 1 year and 8 months), off your life?
He took a lot from me, when he said he wouldn’t hurt me. He stole time from my life. He never once stepped up to make me feel loved. And I let him.
47 minutes ago I let go of something that was tormenting me, and I’m going to spend the next 47 minutes glad I did.