I Hate When Boyfriends Shop With Their Girlfriends

I’m in Macy’s, hunting through the dresses, the tops, the jackets, contently shopping without anyone breathing down my neck. I pull a couple hangers off and lay the garments over my arm to try on. I don’t limit myself, just pull and pull and pull until my arm gets tired, and then finally I make my way to the fitting room to try on the clothes, undisturbed, at my own pace. And that’s when I spot him. The poor creature, the innocent human being sitting on the couch by himself, staring down at his phone, twiddling his thumbs, watching the television that’s forever on mute. I slow down as I walk by him, trying to catch his eye to read his true purpose for being there. When I do, his eyes are sad, vacant, hopeless. And then she appears, ten hangers clutched in her hand after already putting away ten others, ready to pay and go on to the next store. He looks up at her wearily. My heart aches as I walk into a fitting room and shut the door behind me.

I hate when I’m shopping and I see boyfriends being dragged around by their girlfriends. These girlfriends are always completely oblivious, rummaging through hangers, picking up purses and trying on shoes as the boyfriend trails behind, face somber, looking like he’s about to bleed from the eyes. I just never understood how these guys even found themselves in those situations. Does the girlfriend blatantly ask them to come along while they shop? Do the boyfriends always oblige just to be nice, even though it’s personal torture? Are they whipped? Are they guilt-tripped? Do some of them really not mind? Are they tricked into going?

Because #1: Guys should never willingly agree to go shopping with their girlfriend unless it’s a mutual trip to let’s say, Target.

#2: Girlfriends should never ask. The last person I’d request to come on a shopping spree with me would be my boyfriend. Maybe I’m just empathetic and understand he’d be bored stupid? And that it’s unnecessary to drag him around? On top of that, I’d feel pressured having him trail behind me, bored out of his skull, waiting for me to finish so he can get Pretzel Time and go home. I wouldn’t be able to try on as much as I would want to; I’d make rash decisions buying things I didn’t really like just to get him out of there sooner. Who can shop with that pressure? Girlfriends who have no regards for their significant other’s feelings, that’s who.

Whenever I’m walking into a dressing room and I see guys sitting on the chairs or couches, staring into space looking like they have no trace of a soul left, I pity them. I really, really do. You’re gonna wait there while your girlfriend tries on 15 dresses, and then allow her to drag you along somewhere else when she’s done? I cannot even begin to fathom why she would want him there anyway. The only man you should go shopping with is your gay best friend who will actually care and have an opinion on what you try on. If you want to go shopping as a couple, go to Pottery Barn.

There was one time I was at an Old Navy looking at their wall of flip-flops. A couple maybe a few years older than me was standing there too. He was watching her examine $2.50 flip-flops. There are probably about ten colors total. He finally asked if he could go to the men’s side and look for himself. Like, wouldn’t that be the obvious thing to do in the first place? You’re in a unisex store, make it worth it for the both of you. But you know what she said??

“Umm.. no. You’re helping me pick out flip-flops.” I stared at them, blinking. I watched to see what he’d say. And what was his response? Nothing. He shut his mouth and let her inspect the navy blue flip-flops versus the black ones. The worst part? She was such a BITCH. Like how dare he ask that while she’s trying to shop. God forbid the situation was reversed — that shit would never fly. I was worried he might get hit in the car for asking such a thing when he should have known better. As she continued to emasculate him even more in front of the wall of cheap, rubber flip-flops at a fucking Old Navy, I had to walk away to stop myself from saying something. No wonder she had to ask her boyfriend to come shopping with her. There’s no way she had any friends to ask with such a bitchy, self-centered attitude.

When I do see men trailing their girlfriends through stores looking dead inside, I always give them a reassuring smile. I have a boyfriend too, I think. And do you see him here? No. Because I’m sparing both of our sanities.

My point is this: ladies, if you’re going to ask your boyfriend to come rummage through Forever 21 and try on skirts for two hours, you better be going to Game Stop to watch him try out the new COD for two hours.