Am I Doing This Right? Inner Monologue From A First Date

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Wow, he still drives his mom’s car. Walk casually. Should I shake my butt when I walk? No…I am not Kim Kardashian, that just doesn’t happen naturally. Okay, he’s shifting into drive. Oh. Slamming on the breaks before you make a left turn… really man? Oh, and he rolls down the windows. Wearing my hair down seems like a bad idea now. Yep, there we go. Hair is flying all over the car. I’m sorry if my luscious locks seem to block the view of your right window. At least it is an excuse for your terrible driving…

Okay, be nice. He’s parking, parking, braking, good. Open the car door fast but don’t look anxious to get out of the death trap. He’s looking at you um… smile. Good. Wait stop smiling, you are starting to look overly excited. Okay, we are in the restaurant. I repeat. We are in the restaurant.

He slides in the seat across from me. Good. At least he isn’t one of those guys who wants to sit on the same side of the booth. Oh, he has nice hair. Hmmm… I wonder how often he actually does anything with it. He definitely like put some sort of gel in it today. Good. That means he cares about his appearance. Not that he should, I mean I’m sure he’s handsome whether or not he decided to put some axe gel in his hair. Isn’t that weird? Axe is a deodorant, body wash, body spray, shampoo, and a gel. Why doesn’t Pantene make deodorant or perfume…. Oh, he asked if I know what I want. Crap.

Ok here comes our food, do I make small talk with him or quietly eat. Should I already have complimented him or laughed at one of his bad jokes? Am I doing this right? All I want to do is stuff my face with this burger. Be dainty. Should I put my pinky up? No…who does that? Okay, small talk, let’s talk about television shows. I want to talk about this Season of Scandal…he probably doesn’t watch that show… um let’s go with sports. No, because I can’t name any players. That’s always a give a way. Let’s take a snap chat together. Cute or silly? Both.

Okay, the server took our plates. Is he going to pay for the meal? Aw…what a gentleman. TOO BAD I’M AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I CAN AFFORD MY OWN HAMBURGER. This always happens. I’ll offer to pay and then he will appease me saying we can split it, then pay for it all anyway. Just put your wallet away. Let him keep his manhood- oh, my meal was $11.57 okay. I guess he is taking my money. Hmm. Interesting. That’s fine. That’s good. He respects my word. He is bringing the check up to the counter… why is he waving at me to come over he didn’t leave a tip… seriously. Okay, I’ll pay the tip. What’s a few extra bucks? You’re in the home stretch Kelly, you can do it. Just let him drive you ho- oh, you want to hang out at your house… sure. Yeah. Perfect. Great. Only a few more hours and then I can catch up on Scandal. Grin and bear it girl. Grin and bear it. TC mark

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    awesome… hilarious… an insight into the human mind…

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