I’ll go ahead and say it up front – I’ve kissed a lot of boys. There’s no way I could begin to count how many. But before the comment section burns a scarlet A in my chest, let’s set something straight – I’ve kissed a lot boys, but most of them I haven’t slept with (most). The main reason for this is because there is a clear correlation between how a guy uses his mouth and how he is between the sheets. So before you young freshmen girls sprint full force in your crop tops and high waisted shorts to the world of frat parties and fake IDs, keep the following tips in mind when you make the decision to move from sharing mouths to sharing private parts.
1. All Tongue, No Air Guy
This guy knows it all. When he’s making his suave moves on the dance floor in his neon tank top and white sunglasses, beware: he thinks he knows what he’s doing and will do it his way all the way. This guy will be grabbing your ass and shoving his tongue down your throat while you try and pull back enough to even get air through your nose.
“I can fix this” you think, “I will teach him.” You use your coy moves to adjust his head and make him pull back, trying to make him see your ways – but it’s no use. He moves full force ahead, grinding into you while his hands slip down your pants (actually, up your pants since that’s quicker when your shorts are buttoned above your belly button). Beware, ladies: things will only get worse in the bedroom. This guy thinks he has all the moves and will use each one on you whether you want them or not. And if you’re thinking this isn’t a bad thing, look at it this way – just when you get into the rhythm of things, he will flip you another direction with some awesome position that he saw somewhere and all you’re thinking is, “Thank God it’s dark because nobody’s stomach looks good scrunched up like this”.
Also, you’re having trouble breathing while twisted like this – both these things are insanely distracting to girls. And distractions in bed essentially mean a disappointing end for us. Then at the end of it all, he will look at you, waiting for your praise and adoration and you will be thinking of the funny stories you’re going to tell your friends tomorrow.
It’s not your worst experience, but you can do better. He’s your one night stand.
2. Soft Lips, No Tongue Guy
This guy is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. He will compliment your shoes and your tassled purse.
Instead of a hand on your ass, you get a hand on the small of your back. He seems sweet and nice, but even after all the talking and flirting, he still won’t make a move.
Ladies, you’re going to have to make the move with this guy. So when you finally get frustrated enough waiting on him, you grab his head and kiss him. He sighs like Rachel McAdams in a romantic movie and keeps his hands to himself. You’re ready to get more heated and become more aggressive and he – well he responds by softly holding your face, maybe even a hug. You’re waiting for the lion and only get the kitten. This will translate to the bedroom. Soft, gentle, waiting for you to tell him what to do next – this may seem great until the pace never changes. When you want that finale he just keeps…coasting. And when he’s done, he will ask to be the little spoon.
Unless you just were broken up with and still in the fragile crying stage, then he’s a 4/5.
3. The Smasher
I don’t really know what else to name this guy. He’s the one who literally just smashes his face against yours. You get some tongue, but mostly it’s the same as you pushing your palms together and trying to crack a walnut open – just with some saliva.
If this guy has any scruff on his face, you’re doomed. Everyone will know your secret for the next week.
It’s the same story in the bedroom. Ever see the Sex and the City episode about jackrabbit sex? There is no better way to describe it when Carrie says, “We had sex like we were teenagers – meaning he had no idea what he was doing and I didn’t say anything.” With this guy, you’re thankful it’s dark because you’re staring up at the ceiling with a really confused look on your face. You aren’t even going to share this story with your girlfriends – you’re just going to pretend it didn’t happen and fake a new boyfriend so he stops texting you.
You’re not using us to jack off, boys.
4. The Boundary Pusher
These guys are harder to spot. Everything seems fine at first. Not too much tongue but he’s still aggressive enough where you have no doubt he’s into you. But then he seems to just…wander.
He asks little “body language” questions. He starts to spend more and more time away from your mouth and more time seeing how low he can go past your neckline in public before you stop him.
For him, it’s about possession and there’s a good chance you are going to be another notch on his belt. He doesn’t care about kissing you – he cares about how much of your body he can see and touch as soon as possible. Doesn’t sound too bad – but ladies, beware: this guy is going to leave his mark. Literally. Once in the bedroom, it is almost guaranteed that you will end up with a hickey somewhere – just pray it’s not your neck (you need to have moved passed that by college, anyways). Also, this guy will pretend to “miss the mark down there” at least one time. Like I said – boundary pusher. (You know damn well that was the wrong hole!)
The next day, you will have stories to share with your girlfriends but you can also guarantee he will share his stories, too – with embellishments.
Every girl needs to have some fun, just don’t EVER send this guy a picture if you don’t want everyone else seeing it. If you go for round two, don’t get attached.
5. The Foreigner
I know, it’s an annoying quality about girls – but we love accents. A good accent can take a guy from a 6 to 9 in three words. I think it’s encoded in our DNA.
We love foreign men and foreign men love women. You see girls flock to them at the bar, you think you won’t fall for it – but when six girls are putting it all out there for him and he focuses his attention on you, you’re powerless to stop it. It doesn’t matter that ‘no’ sounds the same in every language because you forget you know that word. Have you watched him dance? Seen those hips move? Yes. Sí. Oui. Ja. You find that with your mouths, you speak the same language. And that language asks “your place or mine?” Everything he does is exotic and sexy in your mind. And when he whispers things in other languages, you can’t understand a word he’s saying – but you don’t care. You translate in your head what he’s saying with his body. Hey, females make up scenarios in their heads on a daily basis, so why not put it to good use? “Queiro una sandia ahora porque tengo hambre”, he says. Oh, you think I am the most beautiful, thin and sexy woman you have ever met and it’s destiny we met tonight so you can take me on your yacht in the Pacific Ocean for the next two months? Ok. Let’s go.
But sadly, like I said before, Foreign Guy loves women. And in the morning, he will move on with business like usual while you daydream about his salsa hips or Google what type of women French men prefer.
Look back at him fondly, my friends. This beautiful butterfly can’t be caught.