20 Random Rants From The Grocery Store Checkout Line

1. “You don’t need a candy bar. Stop staring at it. You’re eating healthy today. Oh, God, they’re paying with a check?! Screw it; I’m getting a candy bar.”

2. “Seriously, why does anyone pay with checks these days? I hope they ban them in 2015. We need a national checkbook burning… I should create an event for that on Facebook.”

3. “Why is she staring at me? Doesn’t everyone buy Captain Morgan, condoms, and a pregnancy test all at the same time? It’s called time management, thank you.”

4. “Why are all the guys at the grocery store always married? The single dudes probably come on Saturday nights for beer runs. I need to change my grocery shopping schedule.”

5. “I can’t believe people actually read these tabloids. Wait… Jennifer Aniston is having Stephen King’s baby?! Ok, you can glance at the covers, but don’t let anyone see you. OMG, Lorde is really a man?! Screw it, I’m reading that.“

6. “Kim Kardashian’s secret to weight loss? It’s called exercise, eating right, and cosmetic surgery. I bet Kim has an assistant completely dedicated to managing her waxes. I need that.”

7. “Please, lady behind me, stop audibly raping me with small talk. You’re a schoolteacher? That’s nice. You will literally be out of my life in less than 5 minutes. I have absolutely no use for the information you’re giving me right now.”

8. “I wish I was as skinny as that Vogue mag girl. And her skin is flawless! Why do I still have these thoughts when I know it’s all Photoshopped? I’m an emotional masochist, that’s why. I should find a meeting for that.”

9. “They didn’t put the divider behind their stuff. Now, the clerk’s going to think my stuff is theirs. WTF! … Screw it; I’m not putting a divider down either. Grocery store anarchy… done.”

10. “Really? That’s what you’re buying? Why did you even come here when you could do your grocery shopping at the 7Eleven?”

11. “My kiddo is so much better behaved than that little jerk. I don’t think I like kids, except for mine. Is that weird or just a mother’s instinct thing?”

12. “Please, nobody look at the tampons I’m buying. I don’t think I’ll be able to use them after your eyes have been on them.”

13. “My turn… I feel like I’m on stage and everyone is looking at me now. I think I’m getting checkout anxiety. I hope no one notices the Monistat.”

14. “No, dude, I’m not sliding my reward card until the end. Watching the total price drop makes me feel like I’m on a game show and I feel less guilty about all the crap I’m buying. It’s the highlight of my Thursday night – don’t judge me.”

15. “If my card declines, I’m going to kill myself. How freaking awkward would that be if they had to take all of my food away from me… in front of everybody? Why do I even panic about this anymore? I do a weekly budget! I’m 30-something, mature, and on top of this stuff… oh, thank God it went through.”

16. “I would seriously have to buy like 10 of those grocery tote bags to do my shopping every week. I’m not storing a million tote bags in my car just for this event, which I would end up forgetting in the car anyways. I would literally be a crazy bag lady. Plastic it is.”

17. “Why do they always ask me if I want my milk in a bag? Doesn’t everyone? Am I not supposed to get it in a bag? Am I being wasteful since the carton has a handle? It’s cold and heavy… give me the damn bag and stop making a point about it!”

18. “Thanks so much for referring to me by my last name as you said goodbye, clerk! I totally feel like you know me now. I’m going to pretend you didn’t have to look at my receipt for a minute before addressing me as that kind of ruins the moment.”

19. “I should really let them help me carry this out. I always get too much stuff, but I don’t think a 30-something is supposed to ask for help. Wait, is that a 20-something getting help out?! Who the hell does she think she is?”

20. “I can’t wait to get home and wash my hands.” TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/beth-leipholtz/2014/11/i-like-big-jerks-and-i-cannot-lie/ I Like Big Jerks And I Cannot Lie | Thought Catalog

    […] Read this: 20 Random Rants From The Grocery Store Checkout Line Cataloged in […]

blog comments powered by Disqus