Time Is A Fat Circle – The Rust Cohle “True Detective” Diet

Amazon / True Detective
Amazon / True Detective

Part of makes Rust Cohle’s dime store metaphysical nihilism so palatable has a lot to do with the fact that he’s an extremely handsome individual. An ugly or fat person would never get away with developing such an unpleasant personality. Keeping up that slender frame isn’t an easy task though. I’ve put together a handy list of diet tips and exercises to help you cut a sleek figure like Louisiana’s favorite son of a bitch.

Please keep in mind that I am in no way qualified to be writing any of this, and you’re pretty much own with trying anything written here.

The Diet

1. Fish and game

Rust was raised in Alaska, so he’s comfortable with fishing and hunting for his food. When he’s not on a case, and has time to cook for himself, wild fish and game account for the majority of the protein in his diet.

2. Vietnamese salad rolls

He ate these once.

3. Alcohol

6 tall boys of lone star beer adds up to about 1100 calories. A flask of Jameson is about 600, so we’re talking 1700 calories in one afternoon right before driving home. We can safely assume he’ll double that once he gets back to his shed or the bar.

That’s on Rust’s day off though mind you, so we’ll call this a “cheat day.” On a regular day Rust is probably drinking 4-5 Lone star long necks (550-675 calories)

4. General disdain for everything (and smoking)

Rust can get away with a high alcohol intake because he doesn’t eat much of anything else. One of the benefits of being as resigned to misery as Rust is you won’t have a big appetite. As well, when you smoke as much Rust, you pretty much lose any expectation of being able to taste things.

A typical at home meal probably looks something like this:

  • Catfish or venison cooked with no seasoning in a cast iron skillet or grilled on a rusty barbeque
  • If he wants his brain to work he’ll need a 6-pack of Lone Star beer or Old Milwaukee (nothing snooty).
  • 8-15 Camel Lights

When he’s on the road he’ll take a cheeseburger and a coke.

Drugs

It’s really easy to keep hunger pangs away when you’re so high that you’re seeing flat circles and tracers in everything you look at.

The Workout

Keeping the bad men from the door is serious business, and you’ll have to be physically capable to do so. There’s no way you’re ever going to see Rust Cohle walking into a Gold’s Gym though, so you’ll need a way to keep sharp at home and in private. These exercises should do nicely.

1. Pull-ups

Best done shirtless or in an undershirt first thing in the morning (It looks cooler). This is great for your shoulders and back which will improve your posture and torso to give you the appearance of being more slender.

If you’re just starting out, find a chin up bar, and shoot for 3 sets of 3 (3 sets of two is fine if that’s all you can do but definitely force yourself to try 3 sets). Start with your grip close together and when you’re getting more comfortable with your routine, start experimenting with wider grips, which will be harder. Eventually you should be able to crank these out doing a set of 10 with a wide grip like it’s nothing. Repeat every morning until you inevitably die.

2. Standing really close to the wall and staring at it

This is a great exercise for your posture and core strength. Stand as close to the wall as you can without touching it, and focus on maintaining perfect posture. Your feet should be shoulder length apart. Repeat every morning, even if you have houseguests.

3. Wandering around your apartment with a flashlight in your underwear

Rust doesn’t have much furniture in his house, which encourages him to stay on his feet moving around all throughout the day. You won’t catch him on the couch watching Jeopardy. Even when he’s working and going over case files, he stands over his work rather than sitting. Moving around so much benefits Rust by keeping his metabolism going even at night when most people slow down.

4. Brooding and making little beer can men

This burns about 11 more calories than just sitting there doing nothing or having a pleasant conversation, but every exercise counts.

If you follow these basic guidelines, you’ll be ready to cuckold your friends, head-butt spaghetti monsters and threaten bikers in no time. Just make sure you have a partner that’s cool with your smoking, and doesn’t mind mixing it up a little every now and then so you can both stay sharp (This last part will go hand in hand with the cuckolding, kind of a catch 22 to start with so don’t sweat it too hard). TC mark

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