It’s been a few months but when I think about what you did, my tear ducts still attempt to betray me. Losing you hurt more than any boy I’ve lost in the past. Not because you were my first love or my greatest love but because you were my platonic love. I sound like a girl who fell in love with you huh, and is just embarrassed to admit it? I mean, how can someone be that platonically attached, right? That’s exactly it, that’s what made our relationship so special and irreplaceable. No one thought it was possible for a boy and a girl to be as close as us and be just friend but we were proving them wrong
Not having you in my life is more difficult. After a few months of denial, a confrontation, droplets of tears and a lot of sleepless nights I decide to let you go. The decision was easy, it was obvious but after a while, the wound although still as raw as ever, the anger was slowly ebbing away, allowing grief to enter. Deciding to let you go wasn’t the hard part. Battling the contradicting longing I have to be there for you, to speak to you, to laugh with you, to be your friend again was the real struggle.
You were probably the first person I messaged when I had news, good or bad because I felt that you were one of the very few persons who genuinely gave a damn. You were the only person who listened to me to my opinions on politics, current events, various diseases, philosophies, the environment and all that other weird topics I come up with. Yes, I know they bore you, they bore all our friends but you listened to them anyway, you don’t know how much that mean to me. You were one of the few people who cared enough to reprimand me sternly when I lacked the discipline to do so, to put me in my place when you have to, to point out areas I should improve on. Sure, I was annoyed but in the long run, I’m very grateful.
Likewise, I listened to you, to the woes of your lonely heart. I tried to be there for you as much as much as I can, to do what I can to cheer you up because I really hated seeing you sad. You were always sad, you were a robot and I had always believed that deserve to be one. I nagged you despite your apparent irritation because I wanted o bring out your best, to take care of you, to five you what you deserve despite the little impact brought.
We spent a multitude of days sitting in our favorite bench at our favorite spot doing all these, laughing, arguing, exchanging weird stories, meeting up with our other friends, meeting our friends’ friends, eating (while I usually complained) and even just sitting in silence. These little things not only strengthened out friendship but defined it.
I don’t usually use the term “Best friend”, and neither do you but you were definitely legions away from the rest of the pack. We had a unique friendship that perhaps only the two of us understood. In the vast sea of love we waded in the estuary that separated love and friendship. We were friends that spoke like lovers and we were perfectly content. Perhaps at one point there was an interest in crossing the border may have developed, but the current of romance was never strong enough. Others may have put malice in it but we never did or so I thought. At least, I never did.
I never wanted to lose you, I never thought I would. In romance, you promise to each other eternity, you exchange rings, vows and all that happily ever after skit. In friendships, it’s implicit, you just assume the person would always be there, you’re more certain they’ll be there at your happily ever after. Romance has risks, friendship has security.
You might think if I long for you that much, if you meant that much, then why I don’t just message you, why I must complicate it. It’s not that simple. Yes, I obviously cared about you more than most. I could say you were my favorite and yet now, ironically, I’m definite I hate you the most.
I was there for you in your darkest time and yet in exchange you brought me to mine. You carnally assaulted me, without my consent and even tried to keep it from me, as if everything was alright, as if it was nothing. You plagued me physically, mentally, and emotionally. In that impulsive messed up decision of yours, you did not only destroy years of friendship but you fucking destroyed my soul, you fucking destroyed me.
After our confrontation, I withdrew from my friends and family for quite some time. I kept quiet leading my harbored anger to grow. I turned spiteful and hostile. Sure, I’ve always been grumpy but I turned into a ticking time bomb. I was a threat to myself; I questioned my friends, my decisions, myself worth and who I am as a whole. Every now and then I still get anxiety attacks. When I think of you and what you did, my heart constricts, as if I hastily ate two double cheeseburgers.
I want you to suffer to go through what I am experiencing. I want to punch you, kick you, slap you, and hit you with all the strength I have but I won’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because you don’t deserve it, oh you deserve more than just being punched in the face, no because you dint deserve any ounce if relief. You don’t even have the right to apologize; you don’t get to feel better for what you did. You don’t get to feel that we’re even because nothing I do will ever be equal what you did. I disliked seeing you sad, terribly but now all I can think of is “I hope you’re hurting”
A few months back, this phrase would be so foreign to me. I cannot recognize this cold, bitter and cynical woman I have become. I lost my empathy my drive to care about my friends and at times, myself. I lost my ambition, my track; I let myself get consumed by your mistake. I never truly grasped or understood the true meaning of hate since I’ve never truly hated anyone but thanks to you I can write a dissertation on it.
I hate you because you’re a traitor. I hate you because you practically raped me. I hate you because you damaged me. I hate you because you didn’t consider my feelings. I hate you because you made lose sleep. I hate you for giving me anxiety. I hate you for forcing me to rebuild myself when I should be building a future. I hate that I hate you because you lied to me, I hate you because those who don’t know think you’re such a great person, I hate you because that those that unfortunately found out still chose you over me. I hate you that you’re okay, that you’re better off than I. I hate you for putting me in this position, for leaving me with poisonous choices, contradicting feelings. I hate that you make it difficult for me to be happy for you. I hate that you made me despise you. I hate you for making me despise myself, for making me question everything I was, am and will ever amount to .I hate that I can’t be there for you as much as I hate that you aren’t there for me because above all, I hate you for ruining what we had, for making me not want to be your friend. I don’t put all the blame on you, I hate myself too, for letting this happen, for trusting you too much, for caring too much and for letting myself get consumed by this hate. There is nothing more that I want than to to escape this hell we’ve dove into so tell me, how?
How you can forgive the person you bared your soul to, the person you care about, the person you were most comfortable with, the person you trusted the most, he violates you? How do you even forgive anyone who had done that to you, what more your friend, your most trusted friend, your goddamn best friend? How do you forgive someone who made you believe he cared about you but then betrays you in the darkest way possible? How do you forgive someone who ruined your friendship? I have so many questions but I honestly only need an answer to one, why?
You claim that for the longest time only I understood you. I thought I did to and yet I’ve spent practically every night staying up until dawn searching for an explanation for what you didn’t but it was a fool’s errand. I do not have an answer and perhaps, you don’t either.
Truth is, there is no explanation or rather, there is no acceptable one. I’ll never understand why you decided to ruin what we had, to ruin me, to scar me, to throw away what we had but it doesn’t matter because regardless of the reason, the logic or whatever argument you push, I can never forgive you. What you did was malicious, deliberate and should not go unpunished. You had no excuse; alcohol cannot defend you but rather incriminate you.
That wasn’t the tricky part though, mulling over on your carnal act, hurts but contemplating on your kindness is lethal. I debated which part of you do I buy, the one I love or the one I hate, the kind one or the asshole.
Truth be told, you are both. What you did, regardless of how intoxicated and impulsive your decision was, the person cherished, the person I trusted was still the one who chose did it, you were still the nice guy but you decided to be the devil. You are not separate entities and that is why, I can never, ever forgive you. I can never have you back in my life, It’s about time I accept that.
Of course, not being your friend will be tough. Not having you around in my time of need will be difficult but not being your friend while I succeed is torment especially now that I am slowly recovering. You were the person I opened up to about my frustrations in life, and the only person who believed in me, in what I was capable of. You didn’t toss encouragements and compliments just for the sake of doing so to shut me up, to boost my ego but because you saw what others, what I myself couldn’t. Now that I am recovering at a painfully slow pace, I often think how I wish I could share the little milestones I have with you, for you to gloat and say ‘I told you so’ but that’s a delusion. I can never recover with you around.
The person I am pinning after, the person I am longing for no longer exists and will never exist. Unlike your carnal attempt that left a wound that perhaps cannot be healed, our friendship, it has turned into dust, dirty and impure. Soon, it will join the other valuable things we have broken or forgotten. At times, perhaps it may float by and bring tears to my eyes but that’s all it will ever be now, an unwanted contamination.
We will meet again, we run in the same circles, as hostile as I want to be, I will be civil and decent for the sake of our friends and for my sake. I know better than to start a war I cannot win. As painful as the truth may be, I know these people will choose you over me; I cannot lose more, at least not right now. So don’t worry, I will greet you and smile I have to. I will pass the ketchup to you if you ask me to, I will hand you tissue if you ask me to. However, don’t you dare forget for a minute that I fucking hate you; I fucking loathe your existence, the very bane of your presence. You will never be forgiven nor do you deserve to be forgiven. From now on, that is how it will be, no more sweet words, no more comfortable silence, no more laughter.
I have to move on. I was clinging on to the past, I thought I’ll never be okay unless everything goes back to ‘normal, to the way it once was but now it’s clear, I will never be okay if I hold on to a delusion. Truth is, it can never go back, we’re far too damaged, and there is nothing to go back to, whatever is left of that past is poisonous. I am letting go of that idea, of you because I can never be happy if I keep holding. So, this is it, this is goodbye.
Goodbye to the friend I would often talk to ‘til dawn, the friend I was comfortable with the most, to the friend I open my silly woes to, the friend I had the best conversations with, the friend I enjoyed eating with and feeding the most, the friend who I wanted to always be there for.
Good bye to the friend I was going to babble to when I met the right guy, the first friend I was probably going to call up when I get engaged years from now, the friend I was going to command to dance with at my wedding, the friend I wanted to be the godfather of my child.
Goodbye to the friend I would be the happiest for on his graduation day because I know he has worked so very hard. The friend I’d be happiest for when he finally ‘meets’ the one because he’ll at last stop being a robot. Goodbye to the friend, I most excited to see in the aisle because I’ll finally was to see him, genuinely and truly happy.
Goodbye to the friend I had always thought I would share throwbacks and senile conversations when our hairs are white and thinning, our teeth gone and fake because our friendship unlike our dentures were real.
Despite my animosity, my yearning for you to suffer, deep down, I still want those I aforementioned regarding your happiness to materialize. My concern and desire for you had been clouded by the pain, sorrow and anger you have caused me but it will always linger. It still breaks my almost nonexistent heart knowing I won’t be there to see it happen, to see you genuinely happy once again nor would I be there to help you or care for you because as much as it kills me, from now on, we’re nothing but strangers. So for one last time, let me say this:
Goodbye, my friend, my dearest friend.
Yes, I still hate your guts and the bane of your existence
But I miss you,
I’ll always miss you.