I’m Never The Girl That You Choose In The End

Lulu Lovering
Lulu Lovering

I’m the girl no one wants.

I’m the girl that’s too open. I’m the girl that sees a sky and it reminds me of a memory, and then asks what the sky in Ireland looks like on a day like today. I’m the girl who openly points out my flaws and wants to tell you yours, but only because I search to better the world. I’m the girl that changes. One day I’m outspoken and vibrant, never missing a beat, and the next I’m shrouded in a cloud of my depression. Everything is foggy ­ you even seem foggy, and I can’t see my own hand in front of my face.

You turn and retreat for shelter afraid of getting wet, when I’m the one in the storm. The next day, I’ll dance in the rain; but you won’t be there to dance with me.

I’m the girl that doesn’t give up. If I want something or someone bad enough, I do everything within my power to work towards it, even if that means getting tunnel vision. I’m a girl that may be desperate and needy at times because who doesn’t get a little lonely in this big universe of ours, to not want someone to spend it with? I’m the girl who would climb Mt. Everest and trek the Sahara Desert just to see the beauty of the world. I’m a girl who needs excitement and travel to give my life meaning.

Sometimes, I’m hard to keep up with. But it never seems like a chase worth pursuing for you.

I’m the girl that writes; and always tries that strange food; and becomes a comedian at every party; and probably cries too much on the weekdays. I’m the girl that needs to express things in order for them to become real. I’m the girl that isn’t afraid to say how I feel and why. Or at least show you because sometimes talking can be hard. I’m the one who reads too much into the thoughts you don’t verbalize, and who pays too much attention to your facial expressions when you do.

I’m the girl who forces rawness. I’m the girl who embraces truthfulness and loves talking about how snowfalls make me feel.

I am brutally honest about life. I will tear away every piece of armor you have until you are naked and forced to say what you really want to say. I’m the girl who may leave you feeling skinned alive and never feeling more alive at the same time. But I’m also the girl you’ll get tired of because I’ll confuse you with my actions, push you away and then love you like no other.

I’ll exhaust you of me until you believe we’re not meant to be.

I’m the girl in the back of your mind, the one that’ll stay there for years to come. I’m the one whom you’ll think of when you walk into a bookstore to buy a gift for that cousin of yours, and you’ll miss watching how my eyes lingered on every bookshelf. Or you’ll wonder which cappucino I’d try at that small coffee place that just opened up in your new neighborhood. Yes you’ll miss me, and a second chance may even cross your mind more than once. But it won’t stay. I’ll be the passing second in between breaths, never for a full minute; you don’t hold your breath for me anymore.

I’m the girl you’ll remember laughing and dancing, and maybe even miss on days like today. But I’m a world of walking contradictions, and I’m never going to be the one you choose. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Keep up with Kelci on Instagram and Twitter

More From Thought Catalog