I Hate You Forgetting About Us Because I Know I Never Will

Jean Gerber
Jean Gerber

You remembered the big moments and the times that stick out like a sore thumb. You remembered when I was moody, depressed, and easily frustrated. But do you remember our laughs, my one­liners you were so proud of me saying in front of all your friends, and those little memories that made you fall head over heels in love? What about the times when you couldn’t keep it in how you felt about me in front of everyone, on the sidewalk, at the bar, in the cabin, at a restaurant?

When you called me out as beautiful, dork, or just simply as your girl? Do you remember our first date? What about our first road trip and our amazing singing you caught on tape? Do you remember how you felt and why you fell in love with me?

You buried those butterflies, but I promise you they’re still there. When did you think it stopped being so easy? It didn’t.

My heart is angry and flustered that you forgot about us. You stopped focusing on the seconds of eye contact and small touches, of quick kisses and reaching for your hand in the back of the car in between these big moments. Or when we teased each other endlessly in private and in public, and you thought it was adorable how I had no filter.

We made silent promises to keep persevering through storms because we were the couple everyone wanted to be, the love people were jealous they didn’t have and the one we made older couples remember. We made single people gag out loud while inwardly marking us as poster children for their own relationship goals. We pushed these boundaries because who the fuck cares if we’re in love? We didn’t.

I wish you would stop and think about our love. Don’t get stuck on the big moments, but instead remember the little things ­ every car ride, every early morning breakfast and afternoon touching, every shared grin from across the room, all my hair on every piece of clothing you owned, when I laughed so hard I cried, every snapchat story and selfie taken, all the morning walks to class, me timing your laundry because you forgot to look at the clock when you put it in, and every dirty joke I cracked to make you laugh.

But most importantly, when we could make any public place a private one; when you told me you loved me and the world around us fell still. Not to mention the best make out sessions I’ve ever had (shoutout to us being awesome).

You figured out my flaws. I’m a grammar nazi, sensitive at times, and can get easily enthusiastic but also equally depressed. I dreamed about our future too much and sometimes was hard to handle. I love drinking and playing games, but also thought about life too often and stressed myself out. I would be extroverted one hour and introverted the next. I’m very girly at times and am addicted to Pinterest. However people who are meant to stay together aren’t supposed to be carbon copies of each other; I know that you wouldn’t have wanted that.

And you once said that my personality brought out yours (yes I’ve held onto that glorious little speech you made that January walk home). We are jigsaw pieces that fit together perfectly … Or so I thought.

You weren’t perfect either, though. Think I didn’t see any of your flaws because Cupid hit me really fucking hard? No I caught them, sir. For starters, when you drank I got put on the back burner, forgotten about; you hate the Blackhawks and we will always argue about that; you had a hard time taking things seriously like I did; you opened your mouth without thinking, like a typical guy, and sometimes yeah, my feelings took a hit. Half the time you didn’t even realize what you said either. Cherry on top: you’re too stubborn to fix things now.

We both dreamed of cities and mountains, with dogs and children playing football in the backyard, of getting out of the military and going to school. We loved drinking anything with an alcoholic content and trying exotic foods, planned on having fun the rest of our lives and loving life wherever we were in the world, and of loving each other despite where we were. We were both crazy in love and fiercely devoted. But in light of your entire being, the characteristics I loved and could’ve lived without, I choose to accept them and wanted to roll my eyes at them in the years to come.

You, too, looked me straight in the eyes and said you had serious intentions.

What happened?

Do people fall out of a love like that so quickly? You loved me on Sunday but by Friday you were through. Done. Elvis has left the building. You say it’s been on your mind for weeks, but I don’t buy it. I’m too stubborn to believe what you say, even if you won’t let me fight for us anymore. You can’t take back “us,” and I wouldn’t want you to ­ you were the best thing here.

Reality of the aftermath is this: I will move on as the days go by, no matter how slow they seem to pass, no matter how reluctant I am to let go of our love and friendship. And though you don’t know it yet, that was it. There is no second chance with me. Not because I don’t believe in second chances.

God knows I want to ­ but because I’ll never be able to fully trust your words again. Now my heart will learn to shed this lining and form a new one that is entirely in my own possession yet again.

But I hope this doesn’t read like regret. Don’t misunderstand me ­ your goodbye has made me feel like my heart lost a best friend too suddenly to cope and comprehend. However I have nothing to regret, because I didn’t end this. You did. I was unapologetically me, and that is something I can look back on and smile, then turn around and continue onward because you left me with no other choice.

Maybe you lost your way and have forgotten about us and our easy love, but the curse of a girl and of a writer, of a dreamer, of me is I will always remember. TC mark

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