1. We get it. You went to an exotic petting zoo and (probably) had your girlfriend at the time take a picture of you petting a tame, domesticated tiger for 20 seconds. You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you are a fearless world traveler.
2. Why are you offering me a fish in your picture? What am I supposed to do with that? Do you expect me to cook it? Should I be impressed by your modern hunting tools that have enabled you to snag what is likely a polluted river fish? You should know that when I am looking at your profile, this voiceover is booming in my head: ME HUNT YOU FISH. YOU EAT FISH. MMM YOU LIKE FISH. ME SNAPCHAT YOU MY FISH. WE MAKE SEX NOW?
3. Don’t use your senior year prom pic as your profile photo. Just don’t. It’s only okay if you are actually a senior in high school, and if that’s the case, WHY ARE YOU ON TINDER? YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING AT ONLINE PORN AND JOINING ANONYMOUS CHAT ROOMS LIKE NORMAL 17-YEAR-OLD BOYS.
4. I get it. You’re on here to hook-up. And so are probably 75 percent of the women you are swiping right on. Regardless of the reason for downloading the app, beginning a conversation with “Do you like to suck?” is going to end, nine times out of ten, with an STD. That’s just science.
5. OM means “Orgasmic Meditation.”
6. People do OM. It’s a thing. And people on Tinder will tell you they just finished an invigorating session with their girlfriend and want to know where you live.
7. I get hotter at precisely 3:33 am on Friday nights.
8. Are those transition lenses? Do they still make those?
9. WHY are you on here with a girlfriend? I know you aren’t looking for a side fling, because all of your profile pictures have her in it. Honestly, you’re just being a tease. Thank you for reassuring me that there are no eligible bachelors in the surrounding 72 zip codes. It feels awesome.
10. That all-camo jumpsuit? Not doing you any favors.
11. I often find myself meeting someone in real life and deciding within 15 seconds if he is worthy of a right or left swipe.
12. So glad to know you have a dick. Thank you for piquing my interest with an attractive first picture and then assaulting my eyes with this second one. It’s a good thing you included it too, because that picture of you in swim trunks on Padre Island reaaaaaaally had me worried.
13. Australians love Tinder.
14. I’m 99 percent sure I accidentally right-swiped my co-worker.
15. You wear Affliction? Left swipe.
16. You have more than two selfies as a grown adult male? Left swipe.
17. Okay your dog is adorable but you like Nickelback. Suddenly this has escalated to an ethical swipe crisis.
18. I don’t care where you tell people we met. I do care that you think that’s still funny. Automatic left swipe.
Dating as a millennial is hard enough without being visually pitted up against models in yoga pants and girls who look like walking Sports Illustrated covers. And because of that, I’m not surprised I don’t match with every well-dressed bachelor in Austin; but I certainly don’t need constant reminders that I don’t look like the automatic-swipe-right girl. And Tinder is that constant reminder.
I like who I am. I know that I am attractive. I am not for everyone. And I have decided that whoever is lucky enough to date me, won’t find me on Tinder. (At least not while I’m sober and practicing good judgment.)
Don’t get me wrong. I fully support online-dating and I think it is a wonderful opportunity for people who would otherwise never know each other to meet and share experiences. But that doesn’t mean all digital dating platforms were created equally.
Dating in 2014 isn’t rocket science. It’s computer science.
And I’ve always been more interested in history.