There are subtle feelings that I get whenever you suddenly pop into my mind. I try not to get involved with it, ignore it, and just leave it behind, thinking that maybe it’s just part of the nostalgia that one gets when recalling a certain memory.
Yet there are times when those feelings make me do foolish things that I might regret after; like trying to check you out on social media, taking a glimpse of your photos with friends, and just seeing how your life’s been going. I know deep inside that once I get to see your face again, all the feelings I bury in the pit of forgetting will instantly emerge. But I also do know that looking at you and your state now, those feelings are just reminders of how we were before and how we’re not going to be now.
Perhaps, I think of you out of nowhere because a detail, a song, or a scent reminds me of you. It’s all that, no ifs and no buts. Thinking of you at this moment is more of concern and curiosity; concern for your well-being and your condition, and curious of the matters that occupies you, stories currently happening to you, and so on. I guess that isn’t a bad thing after all.
It’s not a bad thing to still care for a person who isn’t just a “somebody” to you.
But keeping in mind that that’s just it and it will never go beyond that.
I think of you because I wonder how your progress is, how you cope in life, how you keep on going despite the issues and problems, how you can go a day and survive, and how you just keep it altogether; I think of you because there are questions I want to be answered without asking you in person; I think of you because you appeared in my dreams and it left me puzzled; I think of you because a friend mentioned your name; I think of you because my brain just made me do so.
But then, I think of you not because I still hang on to those feelings that I had with you long ago, no, let’s just be clear with that.
I think of you not because there’s something that we have to settle or what; we already got the closure we need, we’re done, we’re thru.
And I think of you not because I want you back but because I care for you as someone that I’ve known for so long, someone that I had a history with, and someone that I still consider as a friend that is not different for me anymore.
I don’t want to go back to that phase again, that you and me thing. I don’t want to go back there when I’m doing great now. I don’t want to risk it once more and turn out the loser like before.
It’s enough for me to remain just like this, the one who watches your life in pictures, the one who catches news about you in someone else’s stories. I won’t ask for more, knowing that you’re doing fine and well.
I’m even over the fact that we’re not really meant for each other, that we just happened, and that the memories we had are one of the things I will carry and think of also one day.
Yet when all is said and done, I will never ever deny the truth that you will always and always cross my mind, no matter how hard I try to get away from it. I know you will because you played such big role in my life and your part has been too memorable to simply disregard.
It’s true, you can never just forget someone who gave you so much to remember.