Maybe I Just Want To Be Lost For A While

A woman faces away down outdoor train tracks in Paris with her arms over her head
Etienne Boulanger / Unsplash

Life’s been tough and I’m fully aware that as time goes by, it will get tougher, messier, and nastier. I know for sure because as early as this age, I’ve experienced a lot, and I always remind myself that this isn’t the most awful yet, guess I have to anticipate the worst. There are so many things going on in my mind right now, I can’t count them; it’s like this brain of mine is constantly thinking, restless and uneasy, like I’m lost. And maybe, I like it that way.

Maybe all I want is to be lost and not to be found yet.

Maybe by being lost means I can face my problems until it consumes me and I finally come up with solutions.

Maybe by being lost I will have the opportunity to try new things and see if it fits for me and if it will compel to my being.

Maybe by being lost I can have much freedom as I want so that I will no longer be a disturbance and a burden to anyone else.

Maybe by being lost I can be as bad as I can, not to do crimes or whatsoever, but to break some rules that I’m obliged to follow yet I don’t even believe in the first place.

Maybe by being lost I will have the chance to control my bothered mind.

Maybe by being lost I can be the version of myself that no one has seen or encountered before.

Maybe by being lost I will be able to discover who I really am, my roots, and all history related to myself.

Maybe by being lost I might find the reason why I live, the purpose of my existence, the answers to my “why’s” and the plans etched to my hands waiting to be drawn in a beautiful canvass.

Because beyond everything, there’s nothing wrong with being lost.

In fact, missing, being off track, disoriented, and whatever you call it, is just normal for all humans trying to survive the life they live. We are all travelers in this electrifying and challenging course called “life” and somehow, at some point, we suddenly lose traces of the good things we’ve done and left behind, and the map we hold seems useless right away.

And whenever I’m lost physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I just look in the mirror and tell myself that everything’s gonna be alright, maybe not now but it will someday. Maybe not quickly but gradually and surely. Maybe not the way I see it but by the way it has to happen.

And maybe that’s the only assurance I can and have to believe; after all, being lost is the only means to find my way back to myself.

So yes, maybe I just want to be lost for a while, or maybe not just for a while, maybe until I figure out how to deal with this particular thing called “life.”

Maybe there’s more to come if I let myself explore, if I push myself to the limits, if no one’s gonna tell me what to do or what not to do, if I have the full control over my heart and my brain, if I take the responsibility for myself, if I’m not bound by just mere fake inspirations and superficial ties, if I don’t live by the rules, if I completely understand and accept the feelings and emotions inside me, and if I only learn how to make peace with no one else but myself.

Then maybe I’d rather be lost if in that case, I can prepare myself for something greater, something unpredictable, something bigger, something better, something amazing, and something that will make me turn 180 degrees.

I will embrace being lost if that means I will be able to find the person I left behind while fighting this fight, the person who knows every inch of me, the person I have to deal with every day, the person I talk to when things go wrong, the very same person I called “me, myself, and I.” TC mark

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