I am still wide awake, reminiscing our times. Looking back on our old pictures with our friends some random photos of you. Playing over and over again the videos I recorded while you are playing your instrument.
Then suddenly here I am crying my heart out. Killing myself, indulging on the excruciating pain I am feeling right now. I miss you so bad. I still love you and I am loving you still. It’s been like 6 months since you avoided and started on not talking to me. It feels like I am living without a heart and soul. You took it away. Even though you’ve hurt me, I still love you. I just can’t stop it. I tried my best on eradicating this feeling but that was a failure, because I am loving you harder each day.
I don’t see you as often as before. Actually I never get to see you. And even if you are there I don’t want to look at you for I know deep inside I want to run into your arms and hug you so tight like it will be the thing I could do while I am living. I want to feel your warmth again, sleep beside you again, hear your snore and be enthralled by it, feel your lips against mine and hear your heart beating while I lay my head on your chest. I just want to be with you again.
Every night I am crying before I go to sleep because reality strikes me the truth that you are so far away to me now and I can’t reach out on you. I love you so much that it takes my breath away just by thinking of you and imagining your face smiling on me again. I would wager anything just to see you smile at me again. A smile that makes me smile and look for the better days ahead of me. With you everything seems to be bearable.
I don’t want to love you any more, I don’t want to care for you at all. I just don’t want to feel anything for you.
I just want to feel nothing for you, empty and hollow that’s what I want to feel for you. Unfortunately, heaven played on me well cause instead of feeling nothing, I feel everything. It was hell. It was a total hell. When your emotions, feelings and love for him is surging through your entire body. Invading all your senses making you defenseless and unable to fight. All you just do is stand and accept all the pain of the memories between the two of you that will never come back no matter how hard you cry of plead your heart out.
By the time I am done reminiscing our sweet times, that’s the time I am unaware that my eyes are closing and succumbing on sleep cause my eyes are exhausted from crying, my heart battered by pain and my mind squeezed by memories and ideas of you.
I am swallowed by the temporary rest given by time but at the minute I opened my eyes, I know this pain will emerge from dark place where it comes. That’s when I will accept all the pain until the time comes where the pain itself will leave me.