I Lost You And I Lost Myself

They say I shouldn’t be crying over the loss of someone I didn’t have. But can it be an excuse if I say I love him so much that it tears me apart thinking that I almost had him but lost him before I can have him? Why do people want to control how you should act because they think it’s acceptable in the eyes of many.

How can I make them understand that the reason behind my crying every night before I sleep and every day as I wake up, is the person I love and treasure above all. Before, I was afraid of loving again, afraid to open my heart for someone after my heart break from my first boyfriend. But I conquered those fears because of him.

I tried, I bet my luck on him. I risked my heart for him. I was afraid of admitting to myself that I already love him. Scared that he might just end up like my previous love. That he may also leave me. But at the moment that I am hugging him, taking all my courage, exhaling all the fears I am feeling that time. I told him that I already love him. I was shaking, I can’t speak properly. I am so afraid that I might be rejected though he already confessed to me that he loves me already, there is still a lump in my throat preventing me to say how much I love and adore him.

I love how his eyes look every time I stare at them. It seems like I am looking into my world, looking at my life.

I love how he frowns while thinking deeply. I love how he laughs at silly things and gets pissed off by stupid things.

I love it how he taps everything he can tap just to practice for his drumming and though he often taps my arms I don’t mind it a bit, I love seeing him enjoying what he does. Even the sound of his snore is like music to my ears. I love his flaws. That is actually one of the things I love about him.

I love him the way he is. Because for me, he is the greatest gift ever given to me. He brought back the smile that I lost. He made me hope for life. He made me see how wonderful the world can be.

Then the mirror shatters, it seems like everything was just a dream when he left. When he suddenly decides to forget about me and never talk to me again. Everything went black. I was the one who’s lost. I’ve been a mess, a total mess. I’m into self-destruction. I am so broken that I think I also lost my soul. I’ve been fighting for my life since he left me. I am alive but not living.

I had dreamt of our future. I already see him as the one I can spend my life with. But then he never gave me the chance to prove to him how much I love him. He filled me with love and left me. He eventually killed me.

But here I am loving him more each day even it slowly kills me. I just want him to come back. But I know how cruel life is. I know what I desire the most will not be given to me. It will not give you to me. Never.