I Want to ‘Rehome’ All ‘Foodies’ To the Middle Of The Desert So They Can Take ‘Selfies’ Of Their Slow Deaths

I logged into Facebook the other day—something I hadn’t done in a while—and I had a friend request from six months ago from someone I never expected, someone who disgusted me. It was from my sister’s cat.

I didn’t accept. Hey, if I wanted to follow the day-to-day exploits of an almost brainless creature who only ventured from their bed to the living room, I’d just read the Facebook profiles of pretty much everyone else on that godforsaken site.

But by me not accepting my sister’s cat’s friend request, it meant I lost another Facebook friend: my sister. Because, let’s face it, there’s no way I can be friends with a person like that. So, as I went to un-friend her, I noticed her most-recent update was about how she had recently decided to “rehome” her beloved cat. That’s right, she used the word “rehome.” Apparently the cat was getting too crazy for her to handle, so she’s getting rid of it. I’m not sure what “rehome” means exactly, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with her decision to “rethink” her spinsterhood.

These fucking new-age-y words piss me off so much and need to go away.

A few days later, I was talking to my dad on the phone and he said, “So did you hear your sister has decided to rehome her cat?” I got angry. I said, “Do you even know what that word means? Why can’t she just say that she’s giving away her cat?”

My dad was annoyed with me for caring so much about the semantics, but to me, it matters. I said, “No, these new bullshit words need to stop. It’s gotten out of control.”

It’s like the word “selfie.” It’s a fucking picture of your face. Using that cute little word masks its true meaning, which is: “A vain attempt to garner compliments from people you barely know.” (Sidenote: I love that when I typed “selfie,” it tried to autocorrect it to “selfless.” Way off.)

Half of girls’ Instagrams these days are just selfies. Sad attempts to solicit a comment section filled with things like, “OMG, girl, I’m so jealous of you!” or “I want your body; I hate you!” or “You look so happy! xoxo.” All emptier sentiments than an atheist saying, “God bless you” after you sneeze. We live in a culture where people angrily stare at their keyboards when typing “LOL” and habitually ooze out this comment vomit on people’s profiles, as either charity or out of obligation. It’s a form of social extortion. “Love me, or you’re not my friend!”

If we mocked people more for using these terms and doing such behavior, maybe it would stop.

It’s the same thing with people who call themselves “foodies.” Fuck you people. You’re not a foodie; you’re just a glutton. It’s one of the seven deadly sins, and in my opinion, the deadliest one—if you take in to account the skyrocketing diabetes rates in this country.

Stop pretending like the fact that you enjoy eating tasty food makes you some kind of gourmet connoisseur. You didn’t go to culinary school. You’re not a food critic. You’re just trying to elevate your tastes above everyone else’s. It’s arrogant, and you sound like a child when you say, “I’m a such a foodie.” You know who else was a “foodie?” Jeffrey Dahmer. Everyone likes food. You’re not special. Personally, I really like water, but you don’t hear me going around to everyone I know and calling myself a “hydrophile.”

Nothing is worse than self-righteous food assholes. You’ve also got your vegetarians and your vegans, always proselytizing their bullshit food beliefs to the world as they ironically slap their COEXIST bumper stickers on their cars.

I had a roommate who was a “pescetarian,” one of those people whose diet includes fish, but no other meat, because they don’t treat fish “on the same moral level as other animals.” How are fish a moral line? A chicken isn’t any better than a salmon. So you won’t eat a quail because of moral reasons, but you’d eat a great white shark? My roommate would say, “Well, it’s about brain power.” They mean a cow has more feelings and emotions than a fish, because the cow’s brain is more complex. Of course, all I could picture was a cow slowly chewing on hay for hours. Fine. I’ll accept that. But, if you want to use that low-brain-power reasoning, then they should be advocating the eating of retarded babies.

All in all, these words are merely a way to add a veneer of nobility to mundane bullshit. We’re all trying to make everything sound so much more noble and special than it is. Just fucking stop it.

For instance, my sister isn’t passing off her maniac cat that she found behind the dumpster at a Chili’s to some sap that will take it; she’s “Rehoming her rescue to an owner who is more capable of handling a feline with abuse issues.” And of course, that poor sap will feel like a saint and all of their Facebook friends will comment about how they’re amazing people and then they’ll have to decide if they want to accept a friend request from a house cat.

This month Scrabble announced that it has added the words SUDOKU, VLOG and SELFIE to its newest official dictionary. At first this angered me. But then I thought: This makes sense. Because like Scrabble, all those things are just used to combat crippling loneliness.

I’m sure next year, Scrabble’s dictionary will allow some new selections, such as REHOME and FOODIE. Oh, and one more: DOUCHEBAG.