I must start with a goodbye.
This is the beginning of the end, and it’s only going to get worse if we keep dragging this on. I thought for a while that all I needed was space. I kept you at an arm’s length and pulled you back when I was afraid. Sometimes it gets scary when I can’t make up my mind. I don’t pull you back anymore, though. I’m only pushing you further and further away.
I keep hoping that you’ll do the honors for me. I wished you’d pull the plug. All I’ve gathered from this is that you’d do whatever to stay. No matter how distant I get, you’ll wait on me to come back around until we’re old and gray. I purposefully make sure that I don’t have time for you. I put a void between us and fill it with anything but you. You make this so hard for me. So hard, I think this hurts me more than you.
I avoid you. You call me but I silence my phone when I see it. I can’t talk to you. Talk about what? Talk for what? I haven’t exactly expressed my discontent, but come on, you should know by now. It’s not my intention to hurt you, so I hoped that the lack of communication would make you lose interest.
I must admit, it is hard not responding. Remember how I made you stay up late nights with me when I just wanted to talk? Remember how deep those talks would get? I remember, because I knew then that it was going to come to this. I knew this whole time that I wanted nothing more from you than what we had. That’s why I can’t talk to you. I can’t bare to open that door and continue to toy with you. I suffer in silence knowing that you’ll be suffering soon. It kills me to be the only one aware of our dying situation.
I need to sever these ties. I didn’t want to go there, but look where you brought us. Why won’t you just let this end amicably? Why do I have to be the bad guy?
Okay, you’re right. I am the bad guy. All you wanted to do was love me, but I took that for granted. Truthfully, I took that and ran with it. I know leading you on was wrong, but I wanted you. It’s so selfish of me to expect you to turn your feelings on and off. It’s so thoughtless of me to think that you’d be okay with this. It’s so rude of me to interrupt your heart just to break it.
I’m not the one for you, though. I have to be the villain in this story. I’m the ghost. I’m just a brutal memory of someone you once loved but couldn’t love you back. I hurt you and, in return, hurt myself.