I Don’t Know How To Not Love You

I love you and I don’t know how not to.

People say I should get over you. They say that I deserve someone better and you’re just not good for me. They say that I will only get heartache after heartache if I continue loving you. They told me to move on but how can I when I don’t know how to?

Our relationship started in the most unexciting way, nothing special, nothing worth storytelling but it was always my favorite. We were doing so great that it made me think that we could go on forever. We talked every night about almost everything, the past, the present and the future. No matter how crappy or happy my day was, at the end of the day I had something to look forward to — talking to you. It was as if you made my day complete. You made me happy, contented, and you made me look forward to the future full of hopes and dreams. You always managed to make me smile even at my lowest and laugh even at my saddest. You may have your shortcomings but who cares, I do too. You made me realize that it’s okay to just be me, plain and simple, no pretensions, just me. You made me feel cherished and special because you loved and accepted me.

I thought that was enough, I thought we’d be okay, but I got it all wrong.

It’s hard to write about you in the past tense because I don’t want what we had to be just in the past, I don’t want it to be just memories. I don’t want to be just a part of your past, I want to be in your present, and I want us to be part of each other’s future. But sadly, those are what we just had — memories, those are what it will always be, memory. Our story may not end up with happily ever after but I felt my happiest that once upon a time.

We never made any promises. You told me you didn’t want to because promises are made to broken and you didn’t want that. But you told me that we’d try, that we’d do our best. We. And I held on to that. I held on to every memory, good and bad because I knew it was all I would ever have. I held on to you, knowing that everything that was happening were just obstacles that we needed to get through.

I hold on even after you’ve let go.

I tried fighting, fighting for you, fighting for us. I didn’t get tired — when it comes to you, I never get tired. But it hurts to see you fighting me while I fight for you. I didn’t gave up, I just accepted the truth that what you want is to get away from me, to be free from me. It hurts like hell but I have to accept it thinking that it will make you happy. After all, my goal was to always make you happy even if that meant me not being part of it. I have always been selfish and I always think of myself, but with you, I could be selfless and give without expecting anything in return. It is as if your happiness had been my priority. That day when you asked for your freedom, I didn’t think twice, I gave you want you wanted. I told myself it’s for the best, it’s for YOUR best. After all, if you really want to be with me, you wouldn’t ask for it. Maybe you loved me but you just didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I want you to know that I will always care for you, no matter how much hurt you gave me — that was nothing compared to the happiness that you brought me. You will always be a part of me that I will never let go. I may have let you out of our relationship but I will forever hold you in my heart. I know it seems final to say this but maybe, just maybe, I’ll never get over you.

My life will go on but you will forever linger in my memory. Time spent with you will forever be cherished. Late night conversations with you will always be replayed and relived inside my mind. I know those things will make it harder for me to move on but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s my unconscious saying that I don’t want to move on from you. Maybe I’m still hoping that you will come back to your senses and come back to my life. Or maybe I’m just hoping and waiting and holding on because honestly, I still love you and I don’t know how not to. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Juan Fernandez

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