You all know that ONE sauce that you physically cannot live a happy life without? Literally, you NEED to have that ranch dressing to plunge your greasy fries into. You NEED that BBQ sauce on your burger. You NEED that Sriracha sauce in your life all day, every day. Any meal that you have to eat without your favorite sauce simply is not a meal worth eating. You feel me?
So what do you do when your favorite sauce gets discontinued? Well, you get a little batshit Cray.
Rewind to when I first found out that the McDonald’s I was at “did not have hot mustard at this location.” I thought to myself “Okay this is odd, but oh well, I can just go to a different location next time.” Fast forward a few days later. I am on my way to the other McDonald’s location, Happy as a clam, wind blowing in my hair, thinking about the wonderful Hot Mustard that is about to be in my mouth in approximately ten minutes. I am feeling so happy and lucky that day! I even think to myself “I might even get that Hot Mustard for free.” You know you are truly having a lucky day when you get your sauce for free.
Side note: Whoever thinks the sauce to McNugget ratio is on point should probably reevaluate their life.
Anyways, something terrifying happened. I went to the location that had my beloved Hot Mustard. Can you guess what happened next? THEY DID NOT HAVE SAID HOT MUSTARD. What the Fucking Fuck was I supposed to do now? No I DO NOT want to try your new “Hot Habanero” sauce. I ordered this 20 piece chicken McNugget JUST for the Hot Mustard and now I don’t even get any Hot Mustard at all!? Well played McDonald’s. Well played.
This is when panic started to set in. Why do these two locations not have Hot Mustard? Where is the alleged Hot Mustard? Has it disappeared at every McDonald’s in the entire world? Are they trying to destroy my life? What the hell am I supposed to eat when I am shwasted and the only thing that will satisfy my little drunken heart is Hot Mustard!?
Obviously the next step on my quest to find my beloved hot mustard was to frantically Google “hot mustard discontinued.” As I hit the search button, I prayed on everything I had that my worst nightmare was not about to come true. Oh sweet baby Jesus please do not let this be true. I solemnly swear to not eat McDonald’s while intoxicated as long as I shall live. Girl Scout’s Honor.
HOLY SHIT BALLS. From what I began reading, my worst nightmare was officially true. My beloved Hot Mustard was in fact, going to be discontinued. This really is Hell on earth. What did I do to deserve this? How could McDonald’s even discontinue one of their very first sauces? I mean HELLO this sauce practically made McDonald’s! Is this even legal!?
After I cooled down for a couple of days and came to terms with the fact that I may never taste Hot Mustard again, I realized how psycho I was being. This is NOT normal. I was being one of THOSE people. I was better than this. I AM better than this. I am NOT a basic bitch. I was letting one of these giant fast foods Corporations ruin my life. But, seriously how was I letting this happen? It’s not the end of the world, I tried to convince myself. It is just a sauce. It is just sauce. It is just FUCKING sauce. Who even likes fast food anyways? Eating fast food is like going to Walmart and I am DEFINITELY a Nordies girl.
Everything was going great and life went on. But, then IT happened. You know when you are intoxicated and those old feelings come up? Yep, THAT happened. I went out with my friends one night and we all got shwasty. Of course, to end our amazingly drunken night, we took an Uber through the Mc Donald’s drive through. Because that is totes okay, right? DUH.
I ended up having a meltdown about Hot Mustard being discontinued in front of our Uber driver. It was like I was talking about an ex-boyfriend. You know when you suddenly miss them when you’re intoxicated? Therefore, it is obvi a Fab idea to shoot them a text like “Imishhh you sooosfdsjd Much.” Oops, I totally thought I was over this!! Maybe it’s a good idea to shoot Mickey D’s headquarters’ an email about how “Much I mishhh Hawt MusTURD.” THEY NEED TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL. Clearly, I am a very professional and important enough person to get through to them with my 4am e-mail. They need to know the simple fact: life cannot go on without Hot Mustard.
Anyways, back to Mr. Uber driver. (Love him BTDub). I went on and on and on about my favorite sauce being discontinued and how NO ONE and I mean NO ONE could truly understand what this feels like, until this horrible nightmare has happened to them! I mean, I would not even wish this on my worst enemy! Anyways, to my surprise Mr. Uber driver completely understood me! (Or maybe he was just trying to get me to sthap talking?) He completely understood what it would be like if someone took away his favorite sauce. Food would not be the same anymore. This really, truly was a full blown crisis. I was NOT overreacting. I HAD to do something about this. Obviously other people are as passionate about Hot Mustard as I am Right? DUH.
So here it is. For the aforementioned reasons, this is my F you to McDonald’s. You have forced me to consume my drunken midnight meals elsewhere.
Until Hot mustard is in my hands again,
An EX loyal McDonald’s customer.
P.S. You can sign the petition to bring Hot Mustard back at change.org.
Thank you to the person who started the petition to Bring Hot Mustard back.