What It Will Be Like To Love Him And Lose Him

messy room and bed
Krista McPhee

The city is alive as it is every Saturday night. The electricity buzzing through the streets lured you here less than a year ago. You’ve been in love with this city since the moment your eyes first caught a glimpse of the sparkling skyline. You can’t really explain it, but it seems like everything you’ve ever wanted to find could be found here. Now you get dressed up every weekend to go look for whatever it is you think you’re trying to find.

You’re standing with your girls pretending not to scan the room. You see him, but only from behind. Your friend ends up cracking a joke with one of his friends, so now you’re all mingling together. He says you’re the most beautiful girl in the room. You promise yourself you don’t believe him. You know where those words are going to lead you next.

Two weeks later and you’re already head over heels in love. He tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend. You tell yourself talk is cheap. You decide to see where things go.

Lots of things start to go, fast. Mostly his Porsche that he swears is one of only 50 made in the world. This is why he avoids coming to pick you up. Too much risk involved. Plus it doesn’t have air conditioning. Your ability to reason must’ve started to slip at this point right. He uses such excuses to make-up for his lack of chivalry. Then there are the fast boats. You find yourself on a different one every weekend and you never question how he has the money to afford them. He spends his mornings sleeping until noon because he stays out all night chasing quick thrills.

Months pass by and you find yourself lost in the heat of it all. You have no idea at what point you started disconnecting from reality but at this point there is no turning back. The funny thing about passion in relationships is people assume passion is always a positive thing. Passion can be dangerous. His demons start to come out to play and he finds it more difficult to hide them. You enjoy dancing with them at first, but things quickly become dark.

You had a million chances to walk away but it took you over a year to cut the rope. You find yourself sobbing at your best friend’s door in a level of despair that scares you. It probably scared her, too. You find this hard to explain to anyone, especially yourself. You decide you’re never going to talk to him again. He won’t stop calling. He won’t go.

You finally move on to someone safe, someone comfortable. You tell yourself this is what you need to be happy. You have your first big fight with your new boyfriend. He drops you off at the airport so you can have some time to clear your head. You’ve finally stopped thinking about the chaos that came before him and you think maybe this new thing can actually work.

You’re standing in line waiting to board the plane. Your phone lights up with a number you haven’t seen in quite awhile. All it says is, “I spy…”. Your heart starts racing. You’re afraid to look up from your phone. You pretend you’re not scanning the room. He’s standing behind you. The two of you embrace like the pieces never fell out of place. So it goes. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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