Tonight is one of those nights where I’d like to forget that you don’t love me. I want to drive over to your house and embrace you like nothing has changed at all. I want to fall into your arms, knowing I wouldn’t be turned away. I want to forget that you could not care less if I’m there or not. I want to forget all of the horrible things you said to me, including all the false realities you created in your head about me. I want to make you feel the same way I’ve always felt about you. I want to make you care about me the way I’ve always cared for you.
I want to pretend that you are always going to be there for me when I need you. I want to forget that you’ve shown me over and over again that you will leave me in a heartbeat. I want to pretend that you don’t ignore me for weeks at a time. I’ve been around long enough to know that someone who truly loves you will never leave you when you need them. I want to believe that you had a good excuse for all of those weekends you left me hanging without a word. Family events, birthdays, and holidays where I was left in the dark. I want to forget the feeling of the knife named abandonment stabbing me in my deepest wounds.
I want to see your name light up on my phone. I want a sign that you feel the same way. I’m hoping that you haven’t forgotten about me, that you still stay up at night thinking about me. I know you sleep soundly, without even a passing thought of me. I have known for a long time that the feelings were one-sided, and I’ll always be on the side that cares more.
I want you to stop me from moving on. I want you to never let me walk away. You’re not stopping me though, so I must keep walking. We are slowly becoming strangers. One day we won’t even recognize each other at all. The real work begins in the aftermath. After your dreams are shattered. After the future becomes unrecognizable. You start to realize how much a person can change the way you see the world and it’s hard to unlearn it.