I used to think I couldn’t forgive you because you never said sorry. I used to think I couldn’t forgive you because you never felt bad about what you did. You never flinched when your words stabbed me like knives and left stinging tears bursting from my eyes. Your hands never moved closer to my face to try to stop them as they fell. Your eyes never softened as you watched me slowly breaking in front of you. You never tried to catch me as I began to crumble in your arms.
I used to think I couldn’t forgive you because you seemed to have no soul. You’d send me flowers saying “I love you” and then send a text telling me to throw them away. You’d write long romantic letters and follow them with words of hate and disgust. You’d beg me to come meet you while you were out with your friends but then ignore me once I arrived. You always needed me to prove my undying devotion to you, even though I was always there.
I promised myself I’d never forgive you the night you threw me into a wall. I’ll never forget the terror I felt as you stood over me with rage in your eyes. You later assured me it was only because I wasn’t listening to you. If only I’d done what you said, you wouldn’t have had to do that to me. You told me I was blowing it out of proportion, that no one would believe me. I’d never feared for my life until that night and my world has never been the same since.
Over time though, I’ve realized that none of these reasons are why I can’t forgive you. I can’t forgive you because I can’t forgive myself for loving you. I can’t forgive myself for not seeing at the time what is now so vivid in hindsight. How could I believe you every time you swore it would be different? How could I trust your words when your actions spoke so loudly?
I can’t forgive myself for letting you dim my shine. I went from being a carefree spirit to being paralyzed by the grip of your control. I became scared, confused, and paranoid. I found myself wondering if something was wrong with me. I can’t forgive myself for believing the lies you told me about myself.
The pain still persists years later. I still analyze what happened and hate myself for accepting any of the blame. I know I will never forgive you but I hope one day I can heal enough to forgive myself.