Unloving You Was Harder Than Losing You

Priscilla du Preez

Let’s just say that I don’t like looking back at my memories with you.

Loving you made me go crazy and turned me into someone I did not recognize. 

My heart was confused for a long time.

I was scared to hold on, to let go, and this made me feel trapped on the inside.

I asked myself “is this right?”

Although I questioned your affection,

It felt nice having someone around who loved me.

But, I began to think ‘what if’…

“What if I never love you fully?”

I kept my walls up because I didn’t want to get hurt.

Which in turn, hurt you.

What hit me hardest, was knowing that there was a time limit to how long you would wait.

Before I knew it, it was too late.

My heart was broken and bruised for a love that lingered on and off for three years but never seemed to survive a day. 

There were nights I would cry myself to sleep.

Mornings, I would wake up and not have the strength to get out of bed.

Days where light was too much and the dark felt right.

Many times I was still debating my heart for yours.

Days where I would be fine and moments where I would find myself going in circles for someone who was no longer mine.

It took real courage for you to make the final decision.

But more importantly, it took more strength to not let you have control over me anymore.

Trust me when I say that this kind of unlearning is exhausting.

I had to learn to unlearn.

Which meant I had to get up and move.

I had to get a hold of myself in order to really find who I lost.

Although I felt like all I did was lose what I had. I also gained something.

That was the beginning of me choosing myself. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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