A Comprehensive List Of Everything In My Life You’ve Ruined

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It’s taken me a long time to compile this list. I add to it often, every time you ruin something new. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen you, or even spoken to you, but I still can’t seem to get rid of you. The list was written just for you. I hope you see it. I hope you read it. And I sure as hell hope you feel bad about it.

Things You Ruined:

San Francisco – Yup. You managed to ruin an entire city. That one Adele song – This was all you. None of it me.

Every single Drake song – You were always singing them. I can’t listen to a single one without thinking of you. Especially “Too Good.” You were so drunk that night, you probably don’t even remember singing it to me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you, though. You and your stupid dance moves.

My white sneakers – Someone got ketchup on them and you cleaned them for me. You weren’t always such a heartless piece of shit. That was the same night you kissed me for the first time, just for the record.

The train station – You picked me up there for our first date. You waited inside, which I thought was such a gentlemanly thing to do. You were so excited to see me. I remember your smile. I remember how you helped me carry my bags, and how you walked out of there with your arm around me. On the ride home, you said you wanted me to meet your friends, and your mom. Were you lying to yourself, or just to me?

Captain & gingers – This one feels self-explanatory.

My 26th birthday – You got into a fight with my best friend, while I was out celebrating with her. You gave me an awkward hug when I walked in and you didn’t say goodbye when you left. You never texted me the next day, on my actual birthday. I hope you know how much I cried over you that day. Sober.

My favorite bar – I still run into you every single time I go there. Remember the night you brought me there for dinner? We ran into my Aunt Beth, and you introduced yourself to her, so confidently. You asked her if you could come to our family’s Fourth of July party. You made it sound like you were planning on sticking around.

That Amy Schumer movie, Trainwreck You probably don’t even know why. That gas station, right near my favorite bar – You know why.

Rocky – You knew this was coming. You mostly ruined the 4th one. But really all of them. And by ruining Rocky, you ruined so many other things. How I Met Your Mother. Season 9. Episode 11. You managed to ruin that, too.

My faith in 20-something “men” – I hadn’t had faith in a very long time, but you brought that back into my life. You reminded me that nice guys really do exist, and that I don’t need to be so afraid of falling for one. You made me feel things that I had convinced myself I was incapable of feeling. You knew how much that all meant to me, and you took advantage of it. You used it against me. You used it to try to ruin me.

But here’s the big difference between you and I – I know how to make myself happy. I don’t need someone else to do that for me. You may have ruined a lot, but you sure as hell could never ruin me. TC mark

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