There has never been a time in my life in which I didn’t have a crush on a boy. My first crush lasted for five years of elementary school. Even as a young girl, I remember spending hours thinking about him and fantasizing about our life together. I have always had so many feelings inside of me, so much love that I longed to give.
As the years went by, the names and faces of these boys changed, yet I stayed the same. It would always start as a harmless little crush, and then my crazy imagination would take the reins. Suddenly, in my head, he (whoever “he” happened to be at the moment) was definitely perfect for me. I would see qualities in these boys and somehow match them up to mine and convince myself that we were compatible. Every time they came near me, the butterflies would act up and my brain would stop working.
Today will be the day he realizes he loves me. I know it. If I just wear the right outfit or tell the right joke, he’ll have to see that we’re perfect for each other. Thoughts like these would constantly be running through my head. I would dig myself in so deep that I couldn’t get out until it ended in disaster and I found another boy to start all of it over again.
Never once did I confess my feelings to these boys, but they all found out one way or another. I had so many feelings and quite a big mouth, and I came to find that is not an ideal combination. I would tell my friends (or anyone who had ears, really) and eventually the news got back to those boys, those poor boys. They all had to deal with this crazy whirlwind of emotion. I think I scared most of them to the point that they’d still have a healthy fear of me if our paths were to cross again now. I honestly don’t blame them—I can imagine how hard it is to deal with passionate girls who feel so much. Granted, some of these boys were complete jerks and I don’t feel sorry for scaring them, but a lot of them were simply innocent victims of my out-of-control suction cup heart.
I’m not here to apologize to those boys, or to talk about how much I regret scaring them off. I’m here to express how thankful I am that none of them ever felt anything towards me. I’m thankful that none of them accepted my love, because they would’ve just thrown it away. When I think about how much I was emotionally invested in these boys who gave me nothing in return, I can only imagine how much I would’ve given to a boy who showed even a small amount of interest. It would have drained me completely and I would be broken now instead of whole. Sure, my sensitive heart has been bruised a bit along the way, but I have been greatly spared from the heartache that comes when someone takes love and throws it on the ground.
It took me far too many years to realize that this was a harmful cycle that needed to end. Now I am 21 and I have never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never been kissed. Yes, I still long to love and be loved. It is still hard to rein in the crazy suction cup heart and my imagination that loves to fantasize. I still have so much love to give and yearn for someone to give it to. But now my attitude is different—seeing in retrospect that it is a wonderful thing that my heart has been spared, it makes it a little easier every time another boy doesn’t reciprocate feelings. Instead of sulking, I try to remind myself that it’s a good thing, and that my heart has been spared one more time.
I am so excited for the day when someone truly loves me. I will have my whole heart to offer him, and he will take it with joy and it will be beautiful because I saved it for him. Not only will it be whole, it’ll be full—full with the love of friendships, full with a strong faith in God. Not empty and waiting around with unrealistic expectations for boy to fill it. He’ll love all of my quirks that scared away the other boys. He will also be thankful that those other boys never appreciated my unique beauty, and he’ll have it all to himself. I haven’t deluded myself into thinking that this love will be easy or perfect, but I know it will be beautiful.
Or maybe I won’t find love. I’ll be okay.