For those who struggle with an anxiety disorder, depression and multiple mental illnesses. Our minds can make the impossible, become possible. When we are in the midst of an anxiety attack or an episode, we are in the middle of a constant battle with our thoughts. Our minds are in literal panic mode.
At this point, we have no control over our thoughts, our thought process or logic. We have no filter over anything that comes out of our mouths. Because of that, people think we are rude or in some cases, just insane.
Having anxiety mixed with over-thinking is like mixing fire with gasoline.
As if we don’t think enough as it is. In panic mode, we feel like we are in a race against time for some reason, the walls are closing in. There is so much going on around us. Not only do we feel like our walls are crashing down around us, but we are trying to think of the words to say without it coming out in anger. You don’t want to draw attention to yourself, you are angry, anxious, hurt, panicked, sad all at the same time.
Anxiety is something we don’t ever want to have to deal with alone, but trying to let someone love and comfort us at the same time is not as easy as some would think.
Anxiety will stop for no one, especially the one who loves you. The human body needs, wants and has a thirst for love. Whether it be for 7 days or 70 years, I never thought things would get so unbearable. It’s so hard finding someone who you can let your guard down with, someone who makes you feel like you can be vulnerable for maybe just a minute. Just because you think they know all of you, they are never going to know it ALL, and that is okay. Here’s some things we just need you to know…
1. We Don’t Know Why
No matter how many times you ask us “What’s wrong?” we will never have a reasonable answer and we will never say what is really on our mind. The truth is, we have no idea what is wrong. One moment we will go on for hours about our day while the next we will be sitting on the bathroom floor crying. We need you to know that we love you for caring so much, please don’t think any of this is you.
2. Love Us Through It
No matter how many times we push you away from cuddling, no matter how many times we tell you to go away, and no matter how many times we want to run away-don’t let us go. We don’t know what we want and we don’t know what all these feelings mean. The things we do to you in the moments of an anxiety attack will send you mixed signals, but you don’t know how much we need you to hold us.
3. Please, Give Us a Break
We know you’re going to get frustrated and angry, it’s okay. All we need is someone who can be patient, someone who can sit and wait for the words and feelings to escape our lips. We know you aren’t God, we know you aren’t perfect and we know you are human. All we ask is for the same from you. Know that we mean well and we are doing the best we can with what we have.
4. We Have No Control
When we try to tell you our feelings, know that we will talk in circles. We will expect you to know where we are coming from and we don’t mean to put that on you. We will stutter, we will lose our thoughts, we will be so emotionally confused. When this happens, we just want you to know that we understand we don’t make sense. You will never know how much it means that you let us cry on your chest at night.
5. We Will Always Say It
It’s involuntary, it’s sometimes just word vomit. Just know it’s something we can’t stop from spewing out. The words “I’m Sorry,” will never be something we stop saying. It will always be our go to because the guilt this anxiety brings us will never make us feel like we aren’t guilty.
Most of all, we want you to know that you are so strong. You are always so strong when you know we need it most. We want you to know how much we love you for staying with us through our mess of a life, we want to thank you for never looking at us like we are crazy, and we just want you to know that you are a true gift. We want you to know you are home to us.
We are always learning new ways to cope with ourselves, but for now we just want to say thank you for loving us all our days.