1. When presented with the wine list, reject it and ask for the Captains list.
2. Browse through the Captains list with disgust and ask to see the regular wine list again.
3. Insist that your wine be poured into the appropriate glasses… “Sir, I ordered the Romanee-Conti DRC. Will you please remove these AP wine glasses and replace them with Burgundy glasses, please.”
4. When new glasses are placed, pick one up and smell it. Mention that it smells like a wet dishcloth and ask for new glasses for everyone.
5. When the sommelier presents the wine, touch the bottle and insist that it’s too warm (or too cold) and ask what temperature the wine has been stored at. Then ask if they can chill it down or warm it up for you before pouring further.
6. Insist the sommelier decants the wine for you, but make sure they decant it “to the smoke, not the sediment.”
7. After you smell and taste the wine, make sure you say, “The nose is definitely not reflected on the palate.”
8. After tasting the wine, ask them “What kind of soil were these grapes grown in?” Whatever their answer, nod and mention that you can detect that on the palate.
9. Ask if the wine was bottled on the estate or by the proprietor.
10. Mention to your guests that the wine needs to breathe, but by the time the food arrives, it shall be ready for drinking.