1. I’m just going to have one glass of wine.
Flash forward two hours. The bottle is empty, you popped a bag of popcorn, and find yourself yelling at the television. Suddenly you’re actually pissed at Olivia for sleeping with Fitz, and pleading with her (and by that I mean you’re pleading with your television) to get with Jake already.
If you don’t watch Scandal – that might not make any sense to you. Also, you’re an idiot.
If you do watch Scandal and you haven’t gotten that far – my apologies for any spoilers. But if you haven’t found the time to finish that whole series already – you’re not spending enough Friday nights alone to relate to this article.
2. I’m staying in so I can get up early and workout tomorrow morning.
Suddenly it’s 3am, one whole bottle of wine is gone, and an embarrassing amount of Netflix has been watched. And you’re thinking, “Well, maybe I’ll go on a run tomorrow. If I feel up to it.”
Be honest. You’re staying in tonight because you’re lazy. That doesn’t translate to early morning running. You’re lazy, and you would rather sit on the couch alone than face the masses of people that don’t even closely resemble the characters on Revenge. And if they don’t resemble the characters of Revenge – why would those people interest you? Simple answer: they don’t.
3. [Before getting food] I’m staying in tonight, so I’m definitely going to make dinner.
The problem with that is that it would require effort to make food. And when you’re staying at home on a Friday night – the greatest effort you’d like to put forth is dialing the phone for pizza delivery.
Even getting up to answer the door seems like a burden. The door is just so far from the couch.
4. [When you’re ordering food] I’m going to get a large pizza because it will last this whole weekend.
Reality: The only way I could ever make a large pizza last a whole weekend is if I got the pizza on Friday night, pass out after a couple pieces, then leave my apartment (and the pizza) for the rest of the weekend.
If that doesn’t happen, the pizza is gone by Saturday afternoon.
5. [After you get food] I can eat as much as I want, I’m working out tomorrow morning.
Don’t. Lie. To. Yourself.
6. I don’t care what my ex is doing.
First the thought just creeps into your head….you wonder what he’s doing. Psh. You don’t care. Ok, you wish you didn’t care. You definitely care. You wonder if Facebook has any clues. It doesn’t. Shit, what is he doing.
7. I’m just gonna finish this one season of [insert show here].
Right. And then there is the next season. Oh and the season after that. And then the eight seasons of Dexter you haven’t watched yet, and everyone really has been telling you to watch New Girl.
I don’t pity you because I understand. I took down the whole Gossip Girl series in under three weeks. And if that isn’t an accomplishment, I simply don’t know what is.
8. I’m going to get some work done.
Sure you are. I bet the wine and television are really helping with that. Right after this next episode – you’re going to get loads of work done.
9. If I wanted to go out, I definitely could. But I’m just really tired tonight.
Yeah, you could totally go out if you wanted to go out. And socialize with people you really like, in a bar that smells fantastic, and plays great eclectic music. Music that is just loud enough so you can talk to the people you really like about interesting, newsworthy, important topics.
Just kidding! If you had any of those things, you’d actually be out.
10. I’ll go out next weekend.
Or maybe you can go through the same list of excuses, justifications, rationales and ridiculous thoughts that you had this weekend. Just go ahead and make reservations with your couch again.