You have to choose happiness with every waking breath.
You couldn’t choose how you got hurt or who hurt you, it just happened. And for some unknown reason, it happened again and again from many different people in many different ways. Now when you wake up in the morning, you are filled with dread as you brace against the sadness that will inevitably come sometime that day. You are so use to having it sneak up on you in weird places. Maybe you are out with friends and something reminds you and you have to make a break for the bathroom. Or maybe you are in the grocery store when that tear decides to slide down your cheek. The worst is when you’ve been holding back for too long and instead of a simple inconspicuous tear, something triggers an explosion to the dam and nothing can prevent the shaking, sobbing, aching mess that follows – regardless of where you are at or who you are with.
So in a desperate attempt to control something that seemed so far out of your control, you started to brace yourself against the sadness and even seek it out on your own terms. Somehow this became a pattern and a routine. You got used to being sad. In fact, the few times you weren’t sad, you would pause and think how unusual that was and then pessimistically start to wonder when the cloud would return. Because it always did, it was just a matter of when. The smallest things would trigger a memory which then the gloom would quickly descended.
You can’t control the memories or when they consume you but you can do your best to fight against the gloom that follows them. You cannot ignore them because that simply makes them stronger. Instead, take away the poison that is inside of them. When you hear the sound of an airplane and it reminds you of all the times you were together at that little airfield watching the planes take off and land, sit in that memory for a moment to honor it, but then move to the time you were at the airport by yourself about to embark on your first solo adventure, a time that brought incredible amounts of joy and completeness.
When you look across the sunlit water and remember the time when you ran through the freezing cold waves together, finish the memory, then remember the time when you took your little niece there and watched her playing with the shells.
You will find that the sadness still comes, but you are able to remind your brain that there were good times before and there will be good times again.
You must retrain your brain and your heart away from the constant sadness long enough to sneak in some new joyful memories. You must get out of the habit of being sad because there is no point in existing on this planet if you do not choose to find happiness, at least some of the time.
You have to choose to be happy.
In the beginning you might have to force it and fake it, but eventually it’ll become routine again.