A Letter To My Own Heart: I’m Sorry For Letting Him Hurt You

Dear Heart,

I’m sorry for being so careless with you. I should’ve known he was trouble, I should’ve known he would try to crack you.

Especially after all the troubles we’ve been through these past few years. I knew you weren’t strong to begin with. But I felt you growing a shield around yourself and I feared what I would become if it was completed. I didn’t want to be one of those people who are hardened from the world around them. All they see is the sadness and grief that consumes them.

All I ever wanted to was to feel that happy, carefree feeling again. That feeling of hope that there was something to look forward to, something better just around the corner.

But every time I came around that corner, I was greeted with something that tried to dim your light. Maybe it poked you, maybe it wrote on you, maybe it just made scary faces at you, but the result was the same. I now fear whatever might be on the other side of that corner or place I can’t see. And that’s when I started to feel it. The happiness came less and less and the sadness stayed longer. Small things would happen and I would quickly add it to my list of things that pained you.

You started to grow heavy and tired. We both craved sleep because that was where we could play in our dreams and be free, if only for a few hours.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to make you light again, I didn’t know how to help you.

The things I use to do that made you light no longer worked. I needed a new plan. And so I looked for someone who could help you. And I found him. And when we were together, I felt you slowly chipping away at the wall around you. I even felt you begin to glow again.

One night, while we were laying together, I heard faint singing coming from you. There was hesitation at every unknown corner, but the more corners I turned with him, the stronger you became and the louder I heard you sing.

But then it all went dark.

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe, and I could barely feel you beating inside me. What changed his mind? Why didn’t he love me the way I loved him? If I could concur my fears, why couldn’t he?

It didn’t matter, he was gone and we were left alone. Now I can barely feel you. Instead of the heaviness that I felt before, all I feel is emptiness. I’m so sorry I let him hurt you. I’m so sorry I didn’t look for another way to heal you. You have been there for me through the toughest times and now I let you down. I really did think it would help, I really did think it would last. Please forgive me.

Please hang on long enough for me to find another way to heal you. I promise I won’t be so careless again.