It was like a fiction novel. Everything made sense. Even if did not, it still somehow did. Everything fell into place. Even if there were times that things were tough, we went through it together, with conviction and faith that everything would be alright. Everything became alright, eventually. All the emotions that went through my body, I felt it. I let myself feel them all.
I was genuinely happy for months. It was the first time I ever felt that way. The euphoria those months gave me was unimaginable. I never thought that I could let myself do that. I felt free. Even if we broke some rules, I felt free and I’m the kind of person who follows the rules all the time and gets paranoid when a rule isn’t followed.
But those months, I was reckless, I was unguarded and I was raw. I let myself let loose. I broke down my walls. It was liberating and the best part of it was you let me be like that. Without judgments. The things that we did, the adventures that we had, the places that we went to, even the idle moments in where we just sat and talked about life, our ideas, our opinions, the universe, everything and anything under the sun. I felt so brave in showing and revealing my soul to you. I was not scared to tell you things that I was scared to even admit to myself.
You gave me clarity. You were my clarity. You gave me peace. Your warmth gave me security and comfort. I felt so high with all the emotions and experiences that I was having with you.
I was so happy that I even shut off the anxiety that I might lose you someday. I made myself believe that I’ve already accepted that. That if I was going to lose you, I’d be okay with that, that I’d be able to let you go because you weren’t mine to keep anyway.
Months went by and I thought it could last forever. I thought, yeah, we could do this forever. But there’s no such thing. Nothing definitely lasts forever. Everything ends eventually and the day that I was so afraid of dreadfully came.
Everything suddenly changed.
I can’t pinpoint a specific reason but, you know, I just felt it. I believe that it wasn’t just a result of overthinking or being paranoid. Maybe a little. But if you get to know a person that deep, you just learn how to decipher them somehow, you just feel them, and you are able to pick up stuff from them that they’re not even saying.
That was it. You did not say anything. You were just gone. I mean, not literally. But you left me in our own universe that we shared for months. I didn’t know if it was because of you just suddenly decided to wake up and didn’t want to stay in our dream anymore or for some other whatever reason that I was never brave enough to ask about.
We pretended that everything was okay. That nothing changed. I mean, I’m not sure with you, but I’m sure pretended for a long time. I tortured myself with thoughts that broke my heart. I broke my own heart first because I knew that you’d break it soon enough. I didn’t want you to have that privilege because I wanted to pretend that you did not make that great impact in my life.
But you did. You made the biggest impact in my life and I still don’t want you to know that.
I realized that maybe you were a gift from the universe. A gift that I had to learn from or to teach me something. I’ve already consumed my gift and I just couldn’t keep you anymore. So I had to give you back.
Those were the best months of my entire life so far and I am forever grateful for that. I remembered that even fiction novels, no matter how magical or how far from reality its story has been, it still comes to an end.
Even if it ends, you are still left with the feeling, the emotions and the scenes that you remember most from it and that’s what’s left in me. I’ll remember them forever. Although now, at times, when I remember them, it doesn’t give me the overwhelming rush of emotions like it used to, but it’s still in me.
And the best thing about finishing a novel, no matter how thrilling, how delightful or how hard to move on from the novel has been, is that, a time will come when you’ll decide to finally start to read a new one.