Whenever I have time to appreciate how much I’ve grown, I take a moment to grieve the person I used to be when we were together. I miss how incredibly optimistic I was about everything. I miss how aggressively I chased things without caring if I seemed “desperate”.
But most of all, I miss being naive.
I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of brutal truths to get where I am today. Mainly the fact that no amount of patience, loyalty, or dedication could force the wrong person into staying with me forever. I suppose I also miss the enthusiasm I had to keep you in my life.
Maybe I’ll reminisce about Mercury retrograde or maybe when I fall in love again, I’ll finally forget about your existence. Either way, I won’t bother trying to keep in touch. It’s taken me two years to understand that I crave the ease that comes with being codependent more than a healthy relationship. It was only after you left that I learned to find love within myself — and it was the hardest thing I ever had to learn. You were never responsible for the self-destructive behaviors I engaged in because I was in pain. Nor were you responsible to “complete me” so I could feel whole again. I’ve had to realize that you had your own needs that I couldn’t fulfil. Moving on was the best thing you could have done for yourself, and I’m proud of you for choosing your own happiness over mine.
Forgive me for not replying to your message. Just the thought of being trapped in that toxic cycle I put myself in scares me more than anything. I’ve run out of strength to hold on to you when things get rough. Any optimism I had in my soul regarding you has been permanently drained. However, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the amazing things life has to offer. But I can no longer fight for what my heart tells me to. I can no longer be open with you at the cost of my self-respect. When it comes to you, I’d rather seem too proud to admit how I feel than stupid enough to let you into my life whenever you get bored of your own.
Sometimes I take a moment to appreciate the fact that I met you. I miss your goofy jokes that you laughed the hardest at. I miss your need to be logical about every little thing, and most of all, I miss the person I fell in love with.
And then I realize that neither of us are who we once were.