woman looking through window blinds

How Does It Feel Knowing You’re The Best I’ll Ever Have?

How does it feel knowing it took you only nine months to have an effect on me forever? How does it feel knowing that I hung on to your every word like my life depended on it? The same words that run through my mind almost every other night. I’d find myself laughing at all your stupid jokes even a year after you left.

What’s it like to have that much power over someone?

Making the decision to leave me took you no effort at all. After everything we went through, even acknowledging my existence became a chore to you. And as much as it bruised my ego, I’d do anything for you come back more than a year later. Is this love? Or this just a product of my insecure-resistant attachment style?

I wish I could tell you about the number of times I’ve searched your name online when I’m having a rough day. Because when I see your face, I’m brought back to the peak of my life. The time I had you as my pillar of support. I’m magically transported back to when everything felt right. How did we get it so wrong?

If they don’t resemble you in any way, I don’t want them. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, I still compare every boy I meet to you. The truth is, I don’t want anyone but you. Do you regret ruining my ability to care for anyone else if you weren’t going to stay?

You’re the only guy I ever told my Dad I loved. The only guy I ever called my twin flame. Do you even remember me? When you lay alone in your bed, do you hold your pillows tight and pretend that they’re me? The way I do for you.

Probably not.

Do you even know how hard I’ve tried to move on from you? I’ve made three Spotify playlists inspired by you. The first one was to cry it out, the second to accept our fate, and the third to detach myself from love and only aim to fulfill my sexual needs. I don’t even want to touch anyone but you. I don’t want a Hot Girl Summer, I want a lifetime with you.

This is another one of the millions of open letters I’ve written in an attempt to get closure and move on. Something tells me it’s not the last. I call it part of the healing process, fully knowing that it won’t be healing anytime soon. I’ll never be able to fully talk it out. My friends are tired of hearing about you. I’m tired of speaking about you in past tense.

Before you, I cringed at any hint of affection around me. I was always known as the detached friend who “wouldn’t understand” what true love feels like. Here I am, writing this at 4 a.m., desperately wanting to be in my twin flame’s arms again. If I asked you to, would you give me one last hug?

Tell me how it feels knowing you were my first love. Do you even care at all?

I’ve waited for more than a year for your “I miss you” message. Knowing me, I’ll probably wait a lot longer. Until then I go to bed every night hoping I have dreams about you, since that’s the only way I’ll see you now. What’s it going to take to get you to miss me too?

I used to blush whenever I’d hear your name. So how does your name hurt me now? Every vowel, every consonant hurts a little harder than the last. What hurts even more is knowing my name has no effect on you whatsoever.

The only way I don’t think of you is if I’m distracting myself or asleep. Sometimes I even see you in my dreams. No matter how hard I force myself to open up someone else, I’m always reminded that it should be you. It’s you that I want to tell about all my darkest fantasies and biggest dreams. It’s you, it’s you, it’s you.

I used to be the girl that discouraged all her friends from taking their exes back. Now it would feel like a blessing if I ever got the opportunity to take you back. I’ve gone back to therapy. Do you ever feel the need to talk about me too?

What triggered your need to leave and never come back? Baby, tell me where I went wrong? I’ll never get over how you went from planning a future with me to planning to leave me behind in less than a week. Let me learn from my mistakes and do better this time.

I remember the first days of change vividly. I remember all the lies you told me so you wouldn’t hurt me. It was your “work.” Why did my gut instinct tell me you’d found someone else? I can guarantee that she’ll never spend as many hours praying for you as I have.

I spend most of my nights overanalysing every single mistake I could have made. Regretting not telling you I loved you more. How do I stop you from thinking of us as a waste of time?

Please come back. I’ve spent most of my childhood waiting for someone to make me feel the way you do. I’ve spent more than a decade dreaming about my real life prince charmings. Can’t you give me another chance to be your dream girl?

I used to hate you for not being honest with me, but looking back, I’m glad. Sometimes I wish you’d tell me you loved me, even if you were lying. When was the last time you lied when you said you loved me?

Maybe one day I’ll find someone who helps me fill the empty void you left. But I’ll never need him the way I need you.

How does it feel knowing you’re the best I’ll ever have?

About the author
Busy thinking of new daydream plots and crying to Lana Del Rey Follow Katrisha on Instagram or read more articles from Katrisha on Thought Catalog.

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