This Is Me Letting Go Of The Closure I’ll Never Get

You’re still in my thoughts.

It’s been more than a year since we last talked, and every day it gets a little more obvious that we will never talk again. There are so many words left unsaid, so many feelings that were never brought to light. We never got to say goodbye. Everything happened so fast—one moment you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and the next you became the reason behind my pain. I still haven’t figured out if you were meant to be a blessing or a curse, but you were definitely a lesson. I wish you had told me when you started falling out of love. I wish I had gotten that closure.

I don’t suppose any of this affects you in the slightest. The moment you decided that you wanted to leave was probably the same moment my existence—or lack thereof—would stop mattering to you. I saw the pictures your friends posted of you. You seem to be doing amazing. I heard you got the job you worked so hard for, and from the bottom of my heart, I am so proud of you. I know you worked really hard for it and you deserve it more than anyone else. I’m guessing it pays you well since you’re always in designer clothes, and you look good in them.

I had hoped that once you left me, you’d realize how lonely life was without me. And so I refused to go on about my life and patiently waited for you to come back. If only I had known that leaving me would have been the start of a new exciting chapter of your life. Maybe I was meant to come into your life to show you that things aren’t always as great as they seem. Because before we dated, you were the one who’d wait for days for me to text you back and would fantasise about me. Once you had me all figured out, you realized I wasn’t as exciting as I had seemed, and that was it. That was the end of us.

I doubt we ever liked each other equally. The closer I got to you, the more it seemed like you were the only one for me. But for you, the closer you got to me, the more you wanted to leave. I’ll never understand and I’ve finally given up on trying to. I can’t blame you for losing interest in me. I’m fully aware that no one should be forced to be with someone they dont love. I do, however, blame you for all the lies you told me every time I asked you why you’d become so distant.

So much has changed within a year. You went from the shy boy who hated big crowds to the boy who goes to parties and music festivals. The boy who posted like twice a year to someone who posts almost every detail of their life. The boy who my friends would hear about for hours, to someone I’m embarrassed I ever mentioned. Or should I call you a man despite leading me on?

I feel so stupid for thinking we ever had a chance at forever. I had known from the start that you’d never need me the way I’d need you and I was fine with it. I just hadn’t expected you to not need me at all. I feel so stupid for prioritising you above my work and myself. I wish I could go back in time and erase all the efforts I made to be a part of your life. The only good thing that came out of this situation is our memories, and that’s not enough for me. Especially since I’m the only one that wanted to make more memories with you. If it hadn’t been for you I would have been so much happier. I could have met my friends more, done a little better in school, and slept so much more. I guess I learned the same thing as you—things aren’t always as great as they seem. That what we had wasn’t as special as it seemed.

Even after I realised that you were never going to be mine again, I wished we could have one last conversation. I wanted us to have an honest conversation about what went wrong in our relationship. I’d spent too many nights stressing about what triggered your decision to leave and never look back. I desperately wanted to hear you acknowledge how beautiful we were together, even though we weren’t meant to be. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who’s affected by this silence between us. We will never talk again.

This is me letting go of the closure I’ll never get. This is me letting you go forever. I’ve finally understood that your silence is the answer to all my questions. No matter what I do or what I say, it won’t bring you back. You left so that means that the right person is on his way.

Even if you were to come back, I’d never accept you. Because if you had been the one for me, it wouldn’t have taken you this long to miss me.

Goodbye and good luck.

About the author
Busy thinking of new daydream plots and crying to Lana Del Rey Follow Katrisha on Instagram or read more articles from Katrisha on Thought Catalog.

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