Don’t Wait For The Right Person

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Don’t wait for the right person.

Don’t sit on your hands, don’t put off the things you always wanted to do, don’t leave your dreams on indefinite hold. Don’t keep yourself from achieving greatness, on the off-chance of “missing” the right person just as you are taking off. Don’t let life pass you by. Don’t be passive.

There’s this misconception that the only way to know if it’s true love is to be “picked”. That you must wait, ever patient, ever calm, without showing the slightest bit of initiative, for the One to find and choose you. Anything short of that is a lie and thus you cannot be sure of the love that comes out of that.

Can we please stop and acknowledge how messed up this is? How much pressure that puts on everyone, ourselves included?

On the one hand, there’s the need to do everything “right” – not to get frustrated, impatient, or mad; not to seem “clingy” or “needy” or “desperate”; not to speak out true feelings. On the other, there is the fear that we would never, ever find anybody who understands us, and the longer we wait, the greater that fear becomes. Constant fear and perfectionism – it’s a horrifying way to live. And it can become really bad, really quick.

Waiting forever is only emotionally healthy when you are comfortable with the idea of never being picked. When you are happy with your life as it is, and sharing it with another person or not makes no difference to you whatsoever.

There are people who do that. People who find fulfillment in their work, in supporting their community, in fighting for justice, in righting terrible wrongs. People whose lives are full and rich and who find an outlet for their passions are also the people who are okay with being alone. They may eventually find the right person, but they also acknowledge that it may not happen for them and that it’s okay.

Here’s what happens when you’re unhappy with your life, AND you’re waiting for the right person – you pour all your efforts into doing the right thing, without wondering if it is the right thing for you. You listen to what other people are saying while stifling your own instinct. The pressure to be perfect turns into desperation, then the desperation festers into resentment. I did everything right, you may think. Yet I am alone. If I’m so smart and good and kind, why do I keep attracting these jerks and losers? How come all these (less good people) are partnering up and living happily ever after, and I’m all alone? 

When you wait for the right person, you’re placing all your happiness in their hands. You abdicate any responsibility you might have over your own life and you place it at the feet of the person who might someday love you… and then you rage and wonder why only the “wrong” kind of people take you up on that offer.

The right person doesn’t want to be waited upon. They don’t want a servant or a submissive. They don’t want to be your whole world. The right person does not treat you as though you don’t exist when they are not around, and they do not treat you as though your needs are negligible. The right person won’t hold you back or demand that you only do what they want. The right person wants an equal, someone who can forge their own path, who takes responsibility for their decisions, who takes charge of their own destiny. The right person will not suck you dry like a parasite – by their side, both of you will be able to flourish equally.

Don’t wait for the right person. Build a life that’s worth living instead. TC mark

Katja Bart

"Oh, no, what have I done," is the story of my life.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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