Just So You Know, I Forgive You

God & Man

Perhaps you didn’t know better, or maybe you did and did not care.

Perhaps it was true viciousness, or, as people told me after the fact, “kids being kids”. It didn’t seem that way, but who knows what was going on in your life? Maybe this is what you thought it was about. Maybe, given enough time, that was what I would have thought too.

But then we crossed paths. In the end, only one of us could walk away with her head held high.

I never quite knew such loneliness before.

It’s not just the things you would say to me, but the fact that everyone else seemed to agree. Everyone, including the adults, rushed to tell me I was wrong to have my feelings hurt, that I should not be taking you seriously. Everyone seemed to defend what you were doing.

It went against everything I knew. What happened to kindness, what happened to empathy? It seemed as though it didn’t matter at all. What mattered was how much you were liked yourself, and how many people you had on your side.

That mindfuck is not your fault, of course. That’s not what I’m forgiving you for.

I’m forgiving you for being cruel.

I’m forgiving you for taking out on me whatever it was that was torturing you at the time.

Mind, you probably don’t care one way or another. But then again, I’m not forgiving you for your sake. I’m doing it for mine.

I know where you were coming from that day. This place, when you are in so much pain, it seems like you cannot hold it inside anymore, and that you must let it out, or else it will destroy you. I know how good lashing out seems when you’re doing it. And I know how dirty it feels afterward when the adrenaline has worn off and you realize what you have done. Maybe, like me, you found the feeling so repulsive you never indulged again. Maybe you learned to suppress it. I’ll never know.

I forgive you anyway.

It’s taken me years – and a trip to that bad place – to realize what you did had nothing to do with me. It was personal, but only in the most superficial of ways. The cruelty, the viciousness, that was all for you. I gave you an opening, and you went for the jugular.

Perhaps it was all you knew to do.

Perhaps you just wanted to do it.

It’s okay. I’m letting go of that now.

I’m letting go of looking for you in the face of every person who is cruel, selfish, or evil. I’m letting go of trying to appease you, of being your friend. I’m letting go of letting you walk all over me so that you may feel better about yourself. I’m forgiving you for being you so that I can stand up and walk, instead of crawl, and help others walk too.

I forgive you.

Perhaps, in time, you will be able to forgive yourself, too. TC mark

Katja Bart

"Oh, no, what have I done," is the story of my life.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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