Right now, it’s Friday night.
In another life, you would have been preparing to go out. Maybe you still are – off to dinner, or a club; with friends, or a blind date, or a date-date; to the movies, the cinema, a midnight run for charity; a cooking class or a book club. Or maybe you’re at home, with nothing to do, staring at a pile of hobby supplies that you bought in an optimistic rush but now seem like a waste of space. Either way, you get a variation on this thought:
This is not who I am. This is not how it’s supposed to be.
You said you’d do the date to appease your friend. You don’t like clubs. Who are you kidding, you can’t even scramble eggs! And who in the world thought you should try to crochet?
The phone appears in your hand by magic, and you’re halfway through dialing that person’s number before you realize what’s happening. Didn’t you delete that? (You did. You still remember it by heart.)
In nights like these – not good, not bad, just off ones – nostalgia has a stronger pull. You remember in exquisite detail how wonderful your life was before everything fell apart. The good memories are closer – so close, you can taste their sweetness in your mouth. You may not miss that person but you miss the way they made you feel, and that is what matters at this moment. Nothing else.
Even the wounds they dealt you don’t seem as raw. The lies, the betrayals, your own bad behavior, it can be smoothed over and ignored. It’s no longer a deal breaker, but a price of admission.
The number is typed. Your finger hovers above the dial button. You just want to see how they’re doing. Is that so bad?
Maybe they won’t even pick up.
Maybe they won’t know who’s calling.
Or maybe they will. Maybe their voice would catch with emotion. Maybe you’ll just stand there, not speaking, and they will beg you to not hang up. Wouldn’t that be nice? Payback’s the best!
You find yourself bargaining – just once. Just this once. Let me have this.
Maybe you will call them.
But maybe you’re on the fence, and you go online, looking for a distraction. Maybe you find this website and this article. If so, here is something you need to remember:
There is a reason you don’t speak to this person anymore.
It’s more than you being hurt. It’s the betrayal you were dealt, the trust that you lost. It’s the way you compromised on your own sense of right and wrong, how worthless you felt after. It is, even, how good they made you feel – too good, and you were never on solid ground with them. Neither your body, nor your mind, nor your heart were truly yours.
Right now you’re thinking of all the reasons why it wouldn’t hurt to call them.
What you’re looking for is the reason why it would.
It’s important to remember, we all have these bad days; the rotten feelings; the moments when we think, This is not me. But the truth is, the person who was with them was also not you.
The difference was, they were not going to let you find out who that person is.
You, however, have already started finding them.
Go to the class. Or the cinema. Or stay at home and give crocheting a go. The result is going to be an adventure. Calling the person who hurt you? You already know what the result will be.