
Hereās the dating profile I sometimes wish I could write:
Female, demisexual, not sure if sheās into dudes or ladies just yet. Raging anxiety prevented me from figuring it out earlier, so patience and a healthy sense of humor are a must.Ā
Can you imagine the responses that would get? Iād be lucky if people just ignored me and kept on scrolling.
In the interest of full disclosure, I did go on a dating site once. I got through about 50% percent of the questions and I felt too sick to continue. Height, weight, eye color, desired partnerās age, race⦠it was more complicated than the census. I felt like I was already being judged as inferior, and I hadnāt even spoken to anybody yet.
Hereās something else I would have liked to have written:
Iām told that being romantic is a drawback; that I must be as cool as a cat, and twice as nonchalant. To be honest, Iām more of a dog on the 4th of July ā easily spooked, and not ready to calm down after a treat.Ā
There is more to me than my anxiety, I promise you that. But my anxiety is also one of the first things people notice about me. Iām not a fan of the Emperorās New Clothes ā Iād rather acknowledge what is there than bury my head in the sand.
Let me get this out of the way now: My body is NOT conventional-looking, and I donāt care for hiding it. I used to work as a crisis counselor for children. Iām doing three different jobs and Iām also working towards becoming an instructor in martial arts. My anxiety is not a by-product of these things, in fact, I do them in spite of being scared 99% of the time.
I reiterate ā I do scary things despite having anxiety. I believe in helping others and supporting the people who need support.
So if you believe that mental illness does not exist ā keep on scrolling.
If you use the word āsnowflakeā to describe anything other than the weather ā keep on scrolling.
If youāre after a cool girl ā thereās nothing wrong with that, but she doesnāt live here, keep on scrolling.
My anxiety makes me view the world through a different lens. Sometimes, the people around me see themselves reflected in that, and itās not a pleasant experience. I live with it, and because of that, I make it work for, rather than against me.
I wonāt fault you for not wanting to look.
But if you want to keep on talking ā and maybe you do ā you will most certainly have to.
Reading back, I feel a little bit queasy ā not because I wouldnāt date me, but because itās so much of the stuff that I donāt want to admit to a stranger. Not only that I have anxiety, but that itās not something I can turn on and off. Not only do I have to make it work for me, sometimes I literally have to push against it.
Nobody likes to admit that. Nobody wants to be this messy. Dating is when youāre supposed to put your best foot forward, after all.
But it is also true that I am so much more than my anxiety. And the first step towards showing that is not to let it rule my life. Itās acknowledging it for what it is, and what it has done for me.
The good and the bad.
The best and the worst.
After all, in the words of RuPaul: āIf you donāt love yourself, how in the Hell are you going to love someone else?ā