Would It Have Been Better If I Never Knew You At All?

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Brooke Winters / Unsplash

I can’t help but sometimes think it would be easier to move on had I never known you. Maybe it would be easier if I never became accustomed to the love you gave me, the love I gave you. And even though I remember that those moments, that time with you in my life, was the best time, the thoughts still creep in…

Would it have been better if I never looked up from my table in the dark little corner of a hidden coffee shop that rainy day? Better if we never made eye contact while I took a sip of my chai latte and you waited for your americano? If you never bit your lower lip as you walked towards me, tilting your head and staring at me with those piercing brown eyes?

If I never knew what it was like to stand by your side, hands interlaced, you constantly leaning over to kiss my cheek, maybe I would be able to go on. If we never experienced those life-changing moments together, never fought life’s battles, always supporting one another, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to forget.

Would it have been better if I didn’t remember the shivers that ran down my spine every time you touched me, every time you put your mouth on me? The feeling of bliss, of comfort, of how you made me feel completely alive with just a simple touch. Alive in a way I didn’t even know I could feel.

If I never knew the feeling of falling asleep with our legs intertwined, tangled in the sheets, waking up with my head on your chest, would it be easier? Easier to go forward if I could just erase it all? Erase the memories of how you used to stare into my soul when we made love, how nothing else existed in those moments except us, how the world stopped just to let us share those intimate moments.

Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t ever know what your love felt like, how it was the deepest and most intense love I’ve ever felt. How I would crave you, your presence, your love, and the way you used to read me lyrics of songs you wrote. I was always so safe with you and your love felt like home, but if I hadn’t known it for so long, maybe I wouldn’t automatically compare it to every other man I meet.

What if I had never known who you really were as a man? Your characteristics, strengths, and flaws. If I didn’t know what drove you, or that we shared the same faith and core values. If I didn’t know how connected we were in what we wanted out of life. If I never experienced the fire in your soul that matched mine so perfectly, maybe it would grant me the ability to fully let go.

Maybe it would be easier if we didn’t spend days at your cabin, listening to the rain pitter-pattering on the roof, watching it ripple on the lake, breathing you in, your musky scent all over me, with incense burning and Tycho’s soothing sounds coming through the speakers. I still remember those moments. The moments of pure intimacy when we were inseparable, playing and talking all day, making plans for our life. Those moments were the glue holding us together. I can still taste your lips on mine, but what was once so sweet now just tastes like goodbye.

For my own closure, my own peace, I sometimes think of what my life would’ve been like had we never locked eyes in that coffee shop. But you awakened a part of me I didn’t even know was sleeping. A part of me who craves a life filled with the profound passion you showed me. A part of me who must continue to love fiercely and without regret or apology. Because in knowing you, I came to know myself…and that is everything. Our love was a chapter in my life I’ll always cherish, but I think there will always be part of me that will sometimes wonder if it would’ve been better had I never known you at all. TC mark

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