The very first tear you shed was for the overwhelming shock you felt when they told you it was over. The next few were shed while trying to both understand and loosely accept their flawed reasoning for ending it.
You cried some more because you had to take off the necklace they gave you. Your neck felt cold and bare when it usually felt warm and comforting because you were surrounded by a symbol of their love for you.
The 234th tear was shed because you thought about the first time they told you they loved you. You could see it so visibly in your mind as the tears caressed your cheeks, to the point where you could feel their heart beating as the words trembled from their lips.
You shed more tears because you found the movie stub from your first date. And you cried even more when you found the movie stub from your last date. The next few tears you cried because you didn’t know what to do with either of them.
The next tears were cried for the loss of their families in your life. You truly enjoyed their company and losing them contributes even more hurt to the gut wrenching pain you’re feeling. The next couple of tears rolled around when you realized you’d probably never have dinner over their house again or even set foot in their house one more time. You realized that everything that happened within the last couple of weeks was the last of your relationship.
A lot of the time, you cried because you were wallowing in your massive self-pity party. You felt so selfish and wished you didn’t feel so badly for yourself all of the time. The guilt you felt was overpowering.
Sometimes the waterworks came without warning, at work when you stepped out of your car and heard the band playing your song. Your stomach flipped and shrieked at the sound of those painfully familiar guitar chords. At times it didn’t even have to be one of your songs to trigger a weep, just a happy melody that sounded like something that would have played in the jukebox of your mind while you were happily in their presence.
You cried uncontrollably because you realized you’d never feel their hand interlaced with yours again. And the thought of your first kiss was just too painful to even bear. You cried many tears after that thinking about your last kiss and regretting that you never got another one.
Then you thought about the friendships that you formed between people and sobbed a little more. You grasped how difficult it was going to be to maintain equality between mutual friends without any sort of awkwardness or limitations. You realized the group is falling apart now.
Tears #100-200 were shed over the pathetic reality that they were not yours and you were not theirs anymore. You felt more unwanted than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. You questioned yourself and who you had become up until that point. They sent you spiraling into a tornado of identity crisis. Every tear after that was laced with a hint of rejection and self-doubt.
The first time you saw them since the breakup, your tears were unstoppable. Even though you had physically and mentally prepared yourself to see them, it was much harder than you could have ever expected it to be. It killed you to be in a room with them and know that you were not a couple anymore. And you felt like a zoo animal when all of your friends observed your interactions like it would be the most entertaining event from the night.
And you cried because you felt so disposable. Those were too many tears to count. You felt like you cared for the relationship so much more than they ever did. Why didn’t they want to fight for you? How could they let this relationship die like that?
You wept when your friend tried to grab your hand to comfort you and it reminded you of them. You cried because the commercial reminded you of them. You cried because it was the 9th of the month and they were born on the 9th of a month. You cried when you saw a baseball game on T.V. because you use to go to all of their baseball games. You cried continuously that first night because sleeping just wasn’t a plausible option.
When you realized that you would never be friends again, at least not to the extent that you use to be, you cried some more. You wanted nothing more than to have your best friend back. You spent your days missing them terribly and hoping that wherever they were at the moment, they were happy.
All of your best friends are in serious relationships which prompted you to cry even more and also become a bit of a hermit.
You screamed in pain because you remember the perfect way your names fit together in a sentence. And you silently wept in your empty bed, remembering the feeling of their arms around you.
The tears continue because you can’t remember the smell of their cologne or the sweet aroma of their house. You keep sobbing because you’ve forgotten the exact shade of blue in their eyes and the way their lips felt gently pressed against yours. You cry tear #965 because you realize that they’re becoming a memory to you now.
And now you cry your 1,000th tear because you let down the little girl who promised herself she would never cry over a boy. You feel pathetic for letting yourself spend so much energy on this person and you want nothing more to feel better.
You don’t exactly know right now when you will shed your last tear over this person, but you’re hoping and praying that the day comes where you don’t cry a single tear because of them.
It may be difficult to see at the moment, but you will have a day where your tears will be attributed to happiness rather than heartbreak. I promise you that.