1. Toxic People
I swear, once you pop out a kid, so is born the ability to know when said child is friends with/dating a horrible human being. I still remember being in the second grade and my mom being like “Nope. She’s a bad friend” and retorting like a smart-ass, “Well, we’re seven.” NOPE. Moms just KNOW. They can smell the evil. My mom just knows when I’m about to befriend an ass clown. She. Just. Knows.
2. Everything Working Out
When feeling nostalgic, my mom occasionally will bring up this cute little ritual I maintained in college. Every semester, one week before finals week, I’d call my mom (usually from the library stairwell) panicking/sobbing. How the woman did not screen my calls is beyond me. The conversations would usually go like this: “I (GAPING BREATH) CAN’T (GAPING BREATH) DO (GAPING BREATH) THIS (THREE GAPING BREATHS AND AUDIBLE SOBS).” To which this saintly woman would reply, “Yes, yes you can. You’re very smart. You will do great. You always panic, but it is all going to work out. It will. I promise.” To which I would uniquely reply, “I DON’T KNOW MOM, PHILOSOPHY IS HARD.” She was right. It always worked out and it always will.
Ugh. My poor mother. She gives me excellent advice regarding men and I’m like “BUT LIKE MAYBE HE CAN’T EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS BEFORE 2 A.M., SO I’M GOING TO TEXT HIM A PICTURE OF A GIRAFFE ANYWAY.” For my mother’s sake as well as my own, I hope I have improved. Lol probs not though, I need to get it together.
4. Having Fun.
I may have been born with the internal demeanor of a 97-year-old. The doctors aren’t sure yet. Anyway, my mother has always stressed the importance of fun. She is an above-average mother, and her fun-prioritization is just one of the reasons why. She can sense when I’m abundantly stressed or feeling stuck. Ever since I was a kid, she has always encouraged me to have fun. She wants me to go outside, meet up with a friend, drink a beer or margarita (RESPONSIBLY–a caveat she adds without CAPS), go to the movies, etc. She wants me to get out into the world, to cherish being young, and to love the process. She is such a gift.
5. Unconditional Love.
I can be a real weirdo, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Ever since birth, however, my mother has drilled into me the simple truth that she will love me, unconditionally, forever. There is absolutely no greater gift. I could panic and accidentally drive my car into the pope’s villa and she would be like “Are you okay, though?”
I could have a baby with a man who believes that shoes trap the essence of our souls because feet hold said souls and my mom would be like “OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!” I have messed up many times, I will mess up many more. My mother sees me through and through and tells me that she loves me every day. I am the most fortunate weirdo on the planet.