1. The ‘My Life is More Important Than Yours!’ Friend
Picture this: It’s 2 a.m., your house is on fire, and the IRS is unexpectedly at your door, telling you they’re about to reclaim your house, your dog, and all of your belongings. You know who doesn’t care? The friend who is currently texting you. This person is having a much more stressful day than you are. They’re letting you know all about it. Their romantic troubles. Their jobs. What they had for dinner.
This friend just cannot stop talking about his or herself. Every single conversation you have with this person is about this person. You feel bad, you want to be a good friend, and you think “Well, she has some redeeming qualities!” Sure. That’s the basis of any healthy friendship…racking your mind for redeemable attributes to see in a person.
The catch: You’re not special. This person is doing this to other people and would also leave you dying in a ditch…because they have important things to do, like watch Game of Thrones or get a manicure. By the time you are 25, you need to excommunicate this human from your life. Girl… run, do not walk.
2. The ‘I REALLY Want to Drink Tequila Tonight’ Friend
YESSSSSSSSSSS. This is the friend who you do not know exceptionally well. He or she is your co-worker from Lulu Lemon (oh, okay you fancy ‘lil thang) or someone you intern with at the dentist office. One thing you definitely know about this person: he or she likes to drink. You like to drink. You both have a pulse and are young and pretty. The science works out.
This person could develop into a legitimate friend who you actually speak with as much in person as you do via text message. If this person doesn’t, that’s okay, wish them well and pour some booze out in their honor.
3. The Friend… Who Really Ain’t Yo Friend
This will be the friend who you initially think is fantastic. This person drove you to Stop & Shop and let you use their trunk for your 18 vitamin waters and skirt steak. For this favor, you essentially equate them to Jesus. Over the next few weeks or months, you start to notice things. The way he or she said his or her grandma smelled bad. The way he or she constantly takes mini-digs at your mutual friend. The way you always seem to be the source of his or her most vitriolic jokes.
LOL REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE FAT IN THE EIGHTH GRADE? Ultimately, this person will probably screw you over in a prominent way. This person may be Satan. Fill out some out-of-state job applications for this person and hope that they move to Bangladesh.
4. The Friend Whom You Say Goodbye To
This one is difficult. This is the friend you meet usually at the beginning of college who you are CONVINCED is your platonic soul mate. You call your mom and you’re all “I’VE MET MY MAID OF HONOR! WE BOTH HAVE FRECKLES AND THE SAME EPISODE OF FRIENDS!” To which your mom politely requests that you stop screaming into the phone.
Eventually, you graduate, the years pass and take you the two of you in different directions. You try to resuscitate the friendship, get it back to that Pheobe Buffay-level of glory, but to no avail. It especially sucks when this person is still a good person. It can feel like a viscous breakup. The mature thing is to wish them well. (You’re almost 25 now, so apparently you need to be mature).
Recognize that he or she is a grand human, text them occasionally if you see something that reminds you of him or her, and move on. You may genuinely experience the five stages of grief. You can still have a ton of love in your heart for this person, but you will unfortunately have to accept the sucky reality: things will never be the way they once were. Sometimes it helps to remember that the friendship might not be there, but the kind heart and acts of selflessness that the person showed you can never be taken away.
5. The Friend You Accidentally Date and/or Mess Around With
I feel as though this is an especially common plight one can face in college. If you live on campus, y’all are essentially on top of one another all the time. Ew. I just re-read that. No pun intended. Anyway, there’s no escape. He’s in your philosophy class. She’s on the treadmill next to you. You both are putting your mouths under the soft serve machine in the cafeteria because you both love sugar. You become friends. He fixes your creaky door. You guys become great friends. Somehow it transitions to OMG LOL so we’re making out in my room now? Guess that’s happening. Sounds good.
This could play out in one of two ways:
The Beyoncé of outcomes: You already know his feelings on climate change and whether or not it is socially acceptable to dip McDonald’s French fries into a McFlurry. You actually love this person or whatever. You go on to have a healthy, sweet relationship.
The spending the day at the DMV of outcomes: This person makes you feel like you are straight human garbage and you want to throw him or her in front of an 18-wheeler but not actually because you feel like you love him or her and still want the best for this person even though he or she SUCKS ON ICE.
Um, best of luck with either.
6. Your Best Friend
You have hit the life lottery! This is the person who openly and passionately loves you. This person loves you unconditionally. It doesn’t matter if you got drunk to the point of throwing up, haven’t returned their hair straightener in seven years, or if you ate an entire box of doughnuts on a Wednesday night (because like, why not?). You do not have to speak to this person every day, or even every week. You know that your bestest pal will always, always be there when it’s important.
He or she highlights not only your best qualities, but encourages you to believe that you are as wonderful as they see you to be. This person is your biggest fan. He or she gives you the courage to say what causes you the deepest pain. This is the person who comes to your mind as a combat to the thoughts that you are unlovable or unforgivable in any of your mistakes or anything that you are.
This person is a gift, and he or she should be told so. Often.