I’m the girl who comes off as a pessimist. I often talk about how badly things are going to turn out or how I will never win. This is just how I’ve lived the majority of my life since I’ve seen and felt hurt and heartbreak.
But in all truth and actuality, I’m a dreamer and a romantic and an optimist. I can’t help it, it’s just in my nature to be hopeful and excited and to want so much and to give so much of myself to others.
I say that things aren’t going to work out because I want to feel the all-consuming joy of when it does. I want to be so excited and happy that I can’t even stand it. When things happen that you never dreamed would happen, you can’t help but smile and laugh and want to share every bit of your happiness. I believe there are people that live their lives always being prepared for the worst. I also believe that these people suffer less than those of us who expose themselves to the world. Isn’t it true that people build walls to protect themselves? To prevent against the pain and heartbreak?
Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people, the ones who only bear their souls to the truly worthy, the ones who wait for the “right” people so to speak. But, I am not.
I am an optimist who is trying to hide (pathetically) in the shell of a pessimist or even a ‘realist.’ I want to be able to hide my soul within the confines of my sweaters and of my jackets. I want to cover all of the colors that I hold in black, white, and gray. I don’t want to show myself to anyone but those who are truly worthy but I know that that’ll never be who I am.
I am a girl who loves words and art and painting on the walls. I adore the unconventional and abstract. I find myself feeling raw and exposed on an almost daily basis. I truly would identify myself as an open book. I am willing to let anyone read my pages. Perhaps this is because I want to find someone to love me for who I am. Perhaps this is because I want to be unapologetically myself. Or perhaps, I just don’t know another way. I don’t know how to protect myself from those who do not actually want me for me.
The problem with me is that I’m willing to give every bit of myself to anyone who wants it, even for a little while, and when I get it all back it doesn’t ever seem to be quite the same. But that’s the thing isn’t it, our lives’ and our experiences are constantly changing who we are. Every person that we meet will add a little bit of something to person that we are trying to become.
So, in reality, am I wrong to be allowing myself to open myself up to anyone? Am I wrong to be okay with telling almost anyone my biggest fears and dreams? To tell people that when I was younger I wanted to be an actress and the first woman president? I am willing to tell people that I want to change lives in any shape or form that I can. I honestly love people. I love their stories and their hopes and dreams. I want to hear about their junior high crush or that they secretly prefer juice to wine. I want to know about the things that I can hold onto and remember. In return, I’m willing to set myself on the chopping block. I am ready to tear down my walls and show people who I am and what has made me, me.
When I started writing this, I was incredibly hurt and confused. I thought that I may have given some of the pieces of myself to the wrong person. I have since decided that there isn’t anything wrong with being unapologetically myself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with opening your soul up to others and caring a bit too much. I believe we live in a world today that tells you to act like you have no feelings. Our society says that it’s your fault when you end up heartbroken because someone leaves you or doesn’t want you in the first place.
Start believing that you are important and very special. You are a puzzle piece and only a few are ever going to fit in perfectly. Continue being kind and caring and colorful and never forget who you are.
This is to all you optimists who are hiding in shells of pessimism. Be who you are and stop being afraid of pain.
After all, isn’t pain the proof you have of being alive?