I’ll Confess: I’m A 20-Something And I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

Flickr / Alexander Lyubavin
Flickr / Alexander Lyubavin

I spent the majority of adult life in a serious relationship. I questioned the idea of being with this person forever but couldn’t seem to let go. When it finally ended, I was destroyed and I felt like I would never be the same. Turns out, I was right, I’m not the same and that’s actually a good thing. It’s taken many months to put the pieces of my life back together and so far, it’s been an amazing, and extremely confusing, journey. I wouldn’t trade any of it, even the worst moments, for one more minute with the ex-love of my life.

As a self-proclaimed “independent” girl, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my fear of being alone. I never let my relationship stop me from living my life, traveling and doing the things I wanted to do, however it was a constant safety net. Someone was always there to turn to, talk to, vent to and be with. No questions asked. These past eight months of my life have been a wakeup call of crazy, messy experiences that many of my peers went through years ago. The truth is I have no idea what I’m doing. At least now I don’t have to answer to anyone for the choices I make.

I’ll always remember the moment I finally felt free. I was dancing at a wedding of a dear friend of mine and all of the sudden I knew that I was three things: alone, whole and happy. Once you realize that you don’t need to be tied down or in love to be a whole person, it’s liberating. Go wherever, do whatever, be whoever! Am I lonely sometimes? Yes, but that’s not going to make me settle. Nothing will make me settle for less than I deserve again.

I’m trying not to overthink as much as I used to. I have a knack for developing feelings for the wrong people at the wrong time. Maybe I need to go for the wrong person, or a few wrong people, before I find the right one. I have to stop living in fear of getting hurt again. It’s okay to go for it and have a little fun…at least for now. Not everything is has to be a dramatic, life affirming event. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to be a mess sometimes. I’m overdue for a few bad decisions. That’s how you learn, isn’t it? TC mark

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